Your Attachment Style Has So Much to Say…
Your Attachment Style Has So Much to Say…
In our darkest emotional moments, it can feel impossible to express what we’re going through—especially when our attachment style is leading the way. But putting words to your inner experience is one of the most powerful steps toward healing and secure connection.
Let’s put words to the voices of each attachment style:
Putting Words to Avoidant Attachment:
“When I go quiet, it’s not because I’m shutting you out—it’s because I’m shutting out how bad I feel. I’m trying to escape my own feelings... the pain I don’t know how to talk about. I’ve been alone with my dark places for so long, all I know to do is try to stay far away from them.”
Putting Words to Anxious Attachment:
“When I get big and protest, it’s not because I’m trying to attack you—it’s because I feel desperate to reach you, and so powerless that I can’t. I don’t know what to do with all these feelings I want help with. Being alone in my darkest places is unbearable.”
Putting Words to Disorganized Attachment:
“When I overreact to things you say or do, it’s because I’m afraid that at any given moment something bad can happen—hurt, loss, harm. I experienced so much of it, it’s hard to trust safety exists. My nervous system takes over and says, ‘This is it… this is the end.’ Even the smallest things can feel so big and final.”
Putting Words to Secure Attachment:
“I want to reach you. I want to step into your world and help you with your dark places. I have dark places too, and I need help when I’m there. I need to be able to see you, and be seen by you. We don’t have to be alone in our scared, sad, helpless places. We can find each other there—and help each other there. Not being alone is where we find our safety.”
What Insecure Attachment Has in Common:
Anxious, avoidant, and disorganized attachment styles all share one core experience: being alone in emotional pain.
Anxious partners reach out, but often in ways that push others away.
Avoidant partners pull back, hiding from vulnerability.
Disorganized partners do both, creating confusion and chaos.
In each case, the person ends up alone with their feelings.
What’s Missing? Co-Regulation.
Co-regulation is when partners can soothe and support each other through emotional pain. It’s one of the core ingredients in secure relationships—and the piece most often missing in insecure ones.
When we’re not able to regulate emotions on our own and don’t know how to reach for our partner—or let them reach us—we act our feelings out instead. These actions create:
Misunderstanding
Emotional distance
Negative cycles
Hurtful communication
When both partners are caught in these cycles, it can feel hopeless. But there is a way out.
The Way Out Starts with Awareness.
This post is only the beginning. There’s so much more to explore about how attachment shows up in relationships—and how to heal it.
Attachment 101 Course – Understand your attachment patterns and begin healing.
The Secure Love Podcast – Real couples navigating real attachment challenges.
Relationship Coaching – Personalized guidance on the path toward secure connection.
“Insecure attachment leaves us alone in our dark places. Secure attachment says, ‘You don’t have to be alone anymore.”
