The Anatomy of a Trigger (and How to Do Something New)

The Anatomy of a Trigger (and How to Do Something New)

Event

A couple is trying to talk about finances, and Partner One says, "You need to try harder to be careful with money."

Meaning

Inner Thoughts:

• "What about all the times I AM careful with money?"

• "My partner doesn't see or appreciate my efforts!"

Behavior

Escalates and defends self with evidence of all the times they were careful with money.

Impact on Partner

Partner feels unheard and frustrated, escalates in response, and argues back.

What's Really Happening?

1. Protective Feeling:

   • "I don’t like feeling all this pain! Now I’m angry, and I need to fight to make this pain go away."

2. Core Negative Belief:

   • "Maybe I’m not even worthy of appreciation."

3. Vulnerable Emotion:

   • "When I don’t feel appreciated, I feel sad."

4. Unmet Attachment Need:

   • "I need to know I’m appreciated by my partner to feel emotionally safe and close."

Attachment Intention of Behavior

• "If I can just get my partner to hear me and understand that I’m worthy, everything will be okay."

• "If I can just say it the right way, they’ll see me, and I won’t have to feel unappreciated and unseen anymore. Then I’ll feel safe and close again."

A Better Option

When Triggered:

1. Acknowledge Inner Pain:

   • Protective feeling

   • Core negative belief

   • Vulnerable emotion

   • Unmet attachment need

2. Share Vulnerability:

   • "Ouch! I feel inner pain."

3. Set a Gentle Boundary:

   • "I want to have this conversation, but it’s hard for me to hear you when I’m feeling blamed and unappreciated."

4. Stay Engaged and Speak From Self:

   • "Feeling appreciated helps me feel safe and close, and that makes me want to stay engaged and work through our financial plans together."

Better Outcome

1. Feeling:

   • Open and collaborative.

2. Core Belief:

   • "Maybe I AM worthy of being seen and appreciated."

3. Vulnerable Emotion:

   • Stable and free of emotional pain.

4. Met Attachment Need:

   • Safe, sound, and at ease.

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“When you approach a trigger with vulnerability and gentle boundaries, you create the safety needed for understanding and connection.””

— Julie Menanno

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