Secure Love Book Club – Chapter One: The Problem Beneath the Problem
Welcome to the Book Club
I’ve wanted to host a book club for Secure Love for a long time, and I’m so thrilled we finally made it happen. My goal with this series is to walk through the book slowly and thoroughly—chapter by chapter—and provide space to expand on ideas, answer your questions, and even share insights I’ve gained since the book was written.
Some chapters are more content-dense than others, so we may spend more time on certain sections. I also want to share newer perspectives as my thinking evolves through ongoing client work, and of course, highlight things I simply couldn’t fit into the book.
A Note on Questions
I absolutely welcome personal questions, especially because they help put the material into real-life context. Just know that I may not always be able to answer deeply specific questions in this format. I’ll always let you know when that’s the case.
We’ll also have a balance—each week I’ll prioritize the chapter’s content and leave room at the end for more general questions, just like we did today.
Chapter One: The Problem Beneath the Problem
Chapter One is about looking underneath the surface of relationship struggles. In Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), we’re not just treating the symptoms—we’re getting to the root: unmet attachment needs and painful emotions that are either brought into the relationship or created within it.
I introduced the story of Andrew and Jen—one of the first examples in the book—to illustrate how something that looks like a fight over misplaced keys is actually a protest about emotional safety. For Jen, the keys represent not feeling seen or responded to. For Andrew, the conflict touches his own wounds about not being enough. This is a great example of a negative cycle—where both partners are in pain but don’t know how to communicate about it in a safe way.
Most of us didn’t grow up with the tools to understand, name, or express our emotional experiences. That often leads to self-abandonment—when we disconnect from our own feelings or dismiss them because no one showed us how to care for them.
How Healing Begins
In EFT, the goal is to help people stop abandoning themselves and each other. That starts with reconnecting to your inner emotional world—getting to know what your feelings are, how they show up in your body, what they’re trying to say, and what they need.
I shared a clip from the Netflix show Cassandra, which beautifully depicts the healing power of returning to your younger self and saying, “I’m so sorry I abandoned you. Can you forgive me?” That moment captures the heart of this work. Due to licensing you must watch the clip seperatly —> click here.
When we stop self-abandoning, we start relating to our partners differently. We stop showing up in negative cycles. And we stop emotionally abandoning the people we love.
Participant Questions I Answered
Here are the participant questions I responded to during the session.
Q1: Is there a connection between anxious attachment and a lack of empathy?
Yes. Anxiety blocks empathy in the moment. People with anxious attachment are often emotionally attuned, but when they get triggered, their focus shifts to getting their own pain relieved—and that temporarily limits their ability to stay empathic.
Q2: What happens when one partner is healing and showing up differently, but the other doesn’t want to grow?
You can’t make someone grow, but your healing can create a safer emotional environment that invites them to settle and open up. I explore this in the book toward the end—there are tools and steps to take when your partner isn’t quite on board yet.
Q3: How long have you been working with couples using EFT?
Over 10 years now—probably around 13 years total!
Q4: Can you explain what you mean by self-abandonment?
Self-abandonment is when we disconnect from our own emotional needs. For many people, especially those with insecure attachment, their emotions were ignored or invalidated growing up. So they learned to suppress or avoid them. The healing work is about learning how to stay with those feelings, listen to them, and respond to them with compassion.
Q5: I’ve started doing the work, but sometimes I can’t stay connected to my inner child. Is that normal?
Yes, totally normal. It’s a process—like raising a child. You’re learning something that was never modeled for you. You’ll take two steps forward, one step back. But every moment of trying counts.
Q6: Are there techniques for connecting with your inner child in a more structured way?
Yes, and I teach many of them in my upcoming course on anxious attachment. But to start, begin by accessing the feeling in your body, lingering with it, and listening to what it needs. Ask yourself: What would I offer a child who was feeling this way?
Q7: How do you track progress in this work?
Look for fewer negative cycles, less intensity when they happen, and faster repair. You’re not aiming for perfection. You’re aiming for a stable emotional climate, even if there are occasional storms.
Q8: Is it possible to have more negative cycles when you start the work?
Yes. Growth can stir up more conflict at first—especially if you’re going from silence to speaking up. That’s a sign of movement, not failure.
Q9: How do you slow down a negative cycle in the moment when you feel totally flooded?
Practice slowing down in lower-stakes moments—like traffic or everyday stressors. Building that muscle will help you in high-stakes situations. And if it’s too hard to do alone, therapy can be essential support.
Q10: What’s the difference between self-abandoning and abandoning someone else?
They often go hand in hand. If you can’t regulate your own emotions, it’s nearly impossible to help someone else with theirs. But abandoning someone else means you’re not showing up emotionally when they’re reaching for connection.
Q11: Am I doing too much emotional labor in my relationship?
Some signs: you feel depleted, your needs are pushed aside, or you’re always trying to “fix” their feelings instead of just supporting them. If you feel like you’re doing more than your share, your body is probably right.
Q12: Is there hope when one partner is working on the relationship and the other has pulled away?
There is hope. I’ve seen it firsthand. But it depends on two things: how emotionally shut down the avoidant partner is, and whether the couple is getting the right kind of help to reconnect. Sometimes it takes time, patience, and repeated safe experiences for a partner to open back up.
Q13: Can you give us homework for each chapter?
While the book has exercises throughout, I also recommend checking out the Secure Love Podcast page on my website—there’s a section with homework that pairs well with the material. For this chapter, the “Anatomy of a Trigger” exercise is a great place to start.
Q14: What’s the healing “penny-drop” moment for someone with avoidant attachment?
Avoidant types often don’t realize they even have emotions, let alone that they’re abandoning them. The shift usually comes when they finally start to connect with those feelings and see how they’ve been coping by avoiding rather than engaging. Once that happens, things can move quickly.
Q15: How do I know if my partner and I are actually incompatible, or just stuck in a cycle?
You won’t know until you’ve done the work to get out of negative cycles. Once you're both communicating safely and vulnerably, then you can assess compatibility. Often, what looks like incompatibility is really just disconnection.
Next Week: Chapter Two
Thank you to everyone who showed up, asked brave questions, and engaged in this process. If you missed the live session, you can watch the full recording below.
And if you’re reading along with us—get ready for Chapter Two next week. We’ll keep taking this one step at a time.
See you soon,
Julie
Continue Your Journey
If you found this session helpful, here are more ways to deepen your understanding and apply the work in your own life:
Courses & Workshops
Attachment 101: From Mystery to Mastery
Learn about your attachment style, emotional patterns, and how they impact your relationships. Includes our Attachment Style Quiz.
Explore the Course »Understanding Shame: The Missing Link to Breaking Negative Cycles
This 3-hour workshop guides you through the emotional root of shame and how it fuels self-abandonment and relationship conflict.
Watch the Workshop »(Coming Soon) Healing Anxious Attachment Course
A step-by-step course to help anxious attachers stop self-abandoning, connect with their inner emotional world, and show up differently in relationships.
Join the Waitlist »
Relationship Coaching
Couples & Individual Coaching Sessions
Work one-on-one or as a couple with our trained coaches to understand your negative cycles and build a more secure, connected relationship.
Book a Session »Couples Intensives
Deep-dive sessions with ongoing follow-up support to jumpstart healing and secure bonding.
Learn About Intensives »
Further Reading & Listening
Secure Love Book
Don’t have your copy yet? Dive deeper into these ideas chapter by chapter with Julie’s bestselling book.
Get the Book »Secure Love Podcast
Listen to real-time couples therapy sessions and explore the podcast homework that complements each episode.
Start Listening »Picture Book: Secure Love in Daily Life
A curated collection of Julie’s most-loved Instagram posts—a powerful visual resource and conversation starter.
Shop the Book »Julie’s Recommended Reads
Browse a curated list of the books Julie often recommends to clients and readers.
View the Book List »
Groups & Community
Julie’s Bi-Weekly Discussion Group
Join live Zoom sessions every other week where Julie dives into topics like attachment, shame, emotional safety, and communication. Includes access to recordings.
Join the Group »Men’s Group
A supportive group for men working on emotional awareness, healthy connection, and relationship resilience.
Learn More »Parenting with Security
A 4-week small group for parents who want to raise emotionally healthy kids and break reactive patterns.
Join the Parenting Group »
““When both partners stop self-abandoning, they stop showing up in negative cycles—and they stop abandoning each other emotionally.””
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In this first meeting of the Secure Love Book Club, Julie Menanno introduces the foundation of her book and dives into Chapter One, helping participants understand how negative cycles erode connection and how we can begin to heal by recognizing the deeper pain underneath conflict.