From the Relationship Therapist: How I Personally Approach My Relationships
Do I Practice What I Preach?
Yes, I do my best to grow and be my best self every day. My goal is to create attachment-friendly environments in my closest relationships, including my relationship with myself. I am proud of the relationships I've created.
Do I Always Get It Right?
No. I get it right on average about 75% to 90% of the time, depending upon how resourced I am. When I fail, I know how to make full repairs. I'm an imperfect human with a solid Plan B.
What Relationship Skills Do I Rely Upon Most When Supporting My Loved Ones?
Understanding and validation. I'll stretch myself as far as I need to in order to understand and validate those in my inner circle (and the clients I treat).
Have I Always Known What to Do to Create Thriving Relationships?
No. I had to learn. I grew up in an emotionally toxic environment, and it took a lot of work to learn how to do things differently...and I'm still learning.
Do I Speak Like a Therapy-Robot to My Loved Ones?
No. I'm very real. It's taken practice, but I can speak in an attachment-friendly way with authenticity and with the flavor of my very lively, not at all robotic, personality. It's like learning a foreign language—it takes time to make it your own.
Do I Have Regrets About Mistakes From the Past When I Didn't Know How to Be My Best Self in Relationships?
Many. I'm 47 years old. I've had time to make a lot of mistakes in life. When the sadness of regret comes up, I feel it and let it be. Then I remind myself that everything is a learning opportunity. We all start at different places, and it's never too late to grow as a person, partner, parent, and friend.
What Was the Most Important Change I Made to Improve My Relationships?
Not trying to change my loved ones; accepting them where they are. I don't always get it right, but that's the goal. That doesn't mean I accept all behaviors, but I don’t try to change anyone's thoughts or feelings anymore. Once I started to accept my loved ones where they are, we all started to grow.
What Relationship Qualities Do I Value Most in Others?
Humor and loyalty.
What Is My Biggest Challenge in Relationships?
Bringing up problems later. I have a tendency to either react in the moment or let things go. I'm working on letting things go in the moment, deciding if they need to be addressed later, and doing so if needed.
“Creating attachment-friendly relationships starts with understanding, validation, and a willingness to grow—both individually and together.”
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