Shopping Cart
undefined
How Disorganized Partners Can Feel Safe in Relationships
What Do Disorganized Partners Need to Feel Safe?
Partners with disorganized attachment often crave connection but also fear it. Their relationships can feel like an emotional rollercoaster—pulling their partner close one moment and pushing them away the next.
Because their early experiences with caregivers were often inconsistent, unsafe, or emotionally overwhelming, disorganized partners need specific elements in a relationship to help them feel secure.
Here’s what they need:
1. A Lot of Emotional Validation
Validation helps disorganized partners feel seen, heard, and understood.
What to Say:
"I hear you. Your feelings make sense."
"I see how hard this is for you, and I want to support you."
"You’re not too much. I want to understand."
Validation communicates safety. Without it, a disorganized partner might feel rejected, abandoned, or dismissed—even if that wasn’t their partner’s intention.
2. An Understanding of Their Triggers and Past Experiences
Disorganized partners need a partner who understands that their fears, behaviors, and emotions come from past wounds—not just the present moment.
What Helps:
Learning about attachment wounds and trauma responses.
Acknowledging that emotional reactions may be linked to past pain rather than the current situation.
Encouraging self-reflection without shame or judgment.
When partners can say, "I understand why you feel this way given what you've been through," it helps the disorganized partner begin to trust and heal.
3. A Partner Who Prioritizes Their Own Self-Care & Sets Clear Boundaries
Disorganized partners need a stable and self-regulated partner—someone who can stay grounded during emotional storms.
Why This Matters:
If their partner burns out emotionally, they won’t be able to offer support.
Without boundaries, cycles of chaos and fear can intensify.
Healthy boundaries show the disorganized partner what safe connection looks like.
Examples of Healthy Boundaries:
"I care about you, but I need to step away for a moment to regulate myself."
"I won’t engage when we’re both dysregulated. Let’s take a break and try again."
"I love you, but I can’t be spoken to in that way. Let’s reset and talk calmly."
4. A Partner Willing to Help with Emotional Regulation
Disorganized partners often struggle with self-regulation—which means they need co-regulation from a safe partner to help stabilize their emotions.
What Helps:
Staying calm and grounded during conflicts.
Using soothing touch (when appropriate and wanted).
Encouraging deep breathing and mindfulness techniques.
Not personalizing their reactions—understanding they’re responding from old wounds.
The goal is not to "fix" their emotions but to help them feel supported while they navigate them.
5. A Partner Who Is Honest & Transparent (Even If It Triggers Them)
Disorganized partners often fear abandonment, rejection, and betrayal.
But ironically, hiding things to protect their feelings actually triggers more fear in the long run.
What Helps:
Being open about thoughts and emotions, even if it’s uncomfortable.
Saying things gently but truthfully ("I’m feeling overwhelmed, but I still care about us.").
Avoiding secrecy or inconsistency, which reinforces their trust issues.
Expressing personal needs while ensuring they feel valued ("I need alone time sometimes, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love you.").
When a partner is clear, predictable, and emotionally available, it reduces the fear of the unknown—which is one of the biggest triggers for disorganized partners.
Resources for Building Emotional Safety
Secure Love by Julie Menanno for deeper insights into attachment healing.
Understanding Shame Workshop to uncover and heal attachment wounds.
Julie’s Group for live discussions on emotional connection and relationship dynamics.
Coaching Sessions to get personalized support in navigating disorganized attachment.
“Disorganized partners don’t just need love—they need safety, structure, and consistency to heal and build trust.”
Other Posts You Might Like:
Featured
Understanding whether you are truly healing your wounds or merely accommodating them can be challenging. Healing involves sitting with your pain and supporting yourself, while accommodating often means avoiding the pain altogether.