The Negative Cycle: Part Three – Examining the Trigger of the Avoidant Partner
The Negative Cycle: Part Three – Examining the Trigger of the Avoidant Partner
Let’s shift the lens to the avoidant partner’s internal world.
Triggering Event:
The anxious partner protests that the avoidant partner left clothes on the floor.
The Meaning Made:
“You see me as a failure—and that’s not fair.”
Unmet Attachment Need:
“I can’t feel safe and close when my partner sees me as getting it all wrong.”
Vulnerable Emotions:
Fear: What if my partner sees me as incapable or unworthy?
Sadness: I feel like I’m always letting them down.
Shame: Maybe I’ll never be enough. Maybe I’ll never get it right.
These feelings are often out of conscious awareness, but they’re powerful and painful.
Protective Emotions:
“These feelings are too much. I need to protect myself from this pain.”
Anxiety
Frustration
Emotional numbness or overwhelm
The body prepares to shut down, deflect, or escape the perceived emotional threat.
Common Avoidant Behaviors:
Defend self
Try to fix it quickly
Appease
Shut down
Change the subject
Distract themselves
To the anxious partner, this can feel like coldness or indifference—but it’s often the avoidant partner’s attempt to prevent further pain, not avoid the relationship.
This partner often didn’t grow up with models of emotional safety. When shame or criticism is triggered, their body says:
“Retreat. Disengage. Escape.”
This may help them survive discomfort in the short term—but it creates deeper disconnection in the relationship.
Support for Avoidant Attachment and Connection
Attachment 101 Course – Explore how your attachment style influences withdrawal and shutdown—and learn how to re-engage.
Relationship Coaching – Work one-on-one to shift avoidant defenses into meaningful connection.
Couple and Individual Group – Learn how your partner’s emotions don’t have to be a threat, and practice staying connected in tough moments.
Secure Love - A helpful, low-pressure daily guide to improving connection and communication.
“Avoidant behavior isn’t about apathy—it’s about overwhelm.”
