Insecure Attachment Styles and How They Keep You Stuck

Insecure Attachment Styles and How They Keep You Stuck

Your attachment style in relationships is shaped by:

• The type of stress and fear you feel in relationships

• The behaviors you use to manage that stress and fear

Attachment Styles

Attachment styles develop in childhood based on relationships with caregivers and can be reinforced by impactful adult relationships.

The four primary attachment styles:

• Secure Attachment

• Anxious Attachment

• Avoidant Attachment

• Disorganized Attachment

The Most Common Pairing in Distressed Relationships: Anxious + Avoidant

Anxious Attached Partner

• Fears relationship needs won't be met.

• Often feels desperate to be heard and validated

• Hyper-aware of anything which signals abandonment by partner (real or perceived)

• Pre-occupied with "closing the distance" in relationship

• When under relationship stress and feeling desperate for validation, closeness, or to be heard, will often be demanding, filter for the negative, get loud or emotionally big and/or other safety seeking behaviors.

Avoidant Attached Partner

• Difficulty accessing and expressing emotions; may appear to not care even when they care very much.

• Overly defensive against real or perceived criticism

• Seeks to feel appreciated and seen as "good enough" in partner's eyes

• Fears being seen as a failure; identity based on feeling successful Conflict avoidant; seeks to protect relationship by keeping things from getting worse

• Tries to keep the peace and stay safe from rejection with deflection, defending self, being overly rational (without balance of emotion), appeasing, shutting down

Disorganized Attached Partner

• Most commonly related to anxious attachment, but with less predictable, oscillating, and often more extreme behaviors during relationship stress.

• Pervasive lack of trust in others, although may be overly-trusting when first getting to know someone.

• Intense abandonment fears

• Often misinterprets partner's intentions

• Difficulty with self-regulation makes it hard to show up with healthy relationship behaviors and communication.

Common Negative Cycle in Anxious-Avoidant Relationships

This negative cycle blocks intimacy, prevents problem resolution, and erodes connection:

• Anxious Partner:
  "You just don’t care about me."

• Avoidant Partner:
  "I feel misunderstood and unappreciated."

• Anxious Partner:
  "You’re overreacting."

• Avoidant Partner:
  "I feel unheard and invalidated."

Partners with disorganized attachment typically relate more to the anxious side of this cycle.

What Is the Way Out?

Stabilize the Negative Cycle

Before meaningful relationship work can happen, couples must first break free from their negative cycle by improving communication and emotional safety.

For Anxious Partners

• Shift focus toward self-growth instead of trying to change your partner.

• Learn self-regulation skills to manage intense emotions.

• Recognize when co-dependency is keeping you stuck.

For Avoidant Partners

• Accept that conflict must be faced for real intimacy to develop.

• Work on feeling, naming, and expressing emotions.

• Understand that emotional distance damages the relationship more than addressing issues directly.

For Both Partners

• Take blame off each other and place it on the negative cycle.

• Reframe the problem: "The negative cycle is the enemy, not us."

• Learn to communicate with vulnerability instead of defaulting to frustration or withdrawal.

Healing for Disorganized Attachment

• Work on self-regulation to develop more consistent relationship behaviors.

• Challenge negative beliefs about yourself and your partner.

• Increase self-compassion and reduce shame.

• Work through past trauma—therapy or professional support is highly beneficial.

• Develop discernment skills to distinguish safe vs. unsafe people.

• Celebrate small successes—healing takes time, but it is possible.

“Breaking free from insecure attachment styles starts with stabilizing the negative cycle—true connection happens when both partners feel emotionally safe.”

— Julie Menanno

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