3 Tips to Help Your Anxious Partner Feel More Secure

Understanding Security in Relationships

People move from insecure attachment to secure attachment when their needs are consistently met. While some of these needs are internal and require self-work, others are directly tied to the relationship. As a partner, you play a role in meeting those relational needs.

Here are three ways to help your anxious partner feel more secure:

1. Do What You Say You’re Going to Do

Anxious partners need predictability in relationships. It’s better to say "no" to a request than to say "yes" and not follow through.

  • Trust that they can handle a “no.” Avoid agreeing just to keep the peace—this creates more insecurity in the long run.

  • Follow through on commitments to build trust and stability.

2. Validate. Validate. Validate.

Anxious partners crave emotional validation. Before responding with solutions or defenses, acknowledge their feelings.

Try saying:

  • "It makes sense to me that you're frustrated. Let's just sit with that for a second. Tell me more."

  • "I hear you. I get why you feel this way."

Giving space for their emotions first makes them feel calmer and more open to hearing your perspective later—when the timing is right.

3. Talk About Your Feelings

Anxious partners feel safer when you share your emotional world with them. Emotional openness decreases their triggers and helps them feel closer to you.

Instead of saying:

"I was trying to help and you didn’t even notice."

Try:

"I want to be open to your feedback, but I get demoralized when I don't know if you can see my efforts to please you."

When you share your feelings, it fosters connection and helps your partner feel less alone.

Resources for Strengthening Your Relationship

Security in relationships isn’t about perfection—it’s about consistency, validation, and emotional openness.
— Julie Menanno

Other Posts You Might Like:

Julie Menanno MA, LMFT, LCPC

Julie Menanno, MA is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor, and Relationship Coach. Julie operates a clinical therapy practice in Bozeman, Montana, and leads a global relationship coaching practice with a team of trained coaches. She is an expert in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for Couples and specializes in attachment issues within relationships.

Julie is the author of the best-selling book Secure Love, published by Simon and Schuster in January 2024. She provides relationship insights to over 1.3 million Instagram followers and hosts The Secure Love Podcast, where she shares real-time couples coaching sessions to help listeners navigate relational challenges. Julie also hosts a bi-weekly discussion group on relationship and self-help topics. A sought-after public speaker and podcast guest, Julie is dedicated to helping individuals and couples foster secure, fulfilling relationships.

Julie lives in Bozeman, Montana, with her husband of 25 years, their six children, and their beloved dog. In her free time, she enjoys hiking, skiing, Pilates, reading psychology books, and studying Italian.

https://www.thesecurerelationship.com/
Previous
Previous

Splitting vs. Integrating: How to Shift from Extreme Thinking to Balanced Perspectives

Next
Next

Validation: The Key to Emotional Connection