Splitting vs. Integrating: How to Shift from Extreme Thinking to Balanced Perspectives

What Is Splitting?

Splitting is a pattern of thinking in extremes—defining reality solely based on the present moment while disregarding past experiences or broader perspectives. It often involves seeing people, situations, or even yourself as entirely good or entirely bad, with no in-between.

Signs of Splitting:

  • Defining reality only by your present emotions, ignoring past interactions.

  • Viewing people, self, or events as either all good or all bad.

  • Frequently switching between extreme positive and negative perceptions.

  • Struggling to hold two opposing truths at once.

Example of Splitting:
"My partner is grumpy and snapped at me. They never treat me right, and I’m tired of putting up with this. I’m going to let them know what a bad partner they are!"

What Is Integrating?

Integrating is the ability to see the full picture—balancing both the positive and negative aspects of people, relationships, and experiences. It allows you to hold multiple truths at once and avoid extreme reactions based on momentary emotions.

Signs of Integrating:

  • Recognizing both positive and negative qualities in a person or situation.

  • Holding onto past experiences to inform a more balanced perspective.

  • Accepting that two conflicting truths can exist at the same time.

  • Practicing patience before reacting emotionally.

Example of Integrating:
"I don’t like that my partner snapped at me. At the same time, everyone has grumpy moments. Most of the time, my partner is kind and loving. I’ll wait until they are calm and then express how it affects me when they snap at me."

Resources for Strengthening Your Relationship

  • Secure Love by Julie Menanno for insights into emotional regulation and secure attachment.

  • Understanding Shame Workshop to explore how shame influences extreme thinking and emotional reactions.

  • Julie’s Group for live discussions on self-awareness, emotional resilience, and relationship skills.

  • Coaching Sessions for personalized guidance on managing emotional extremes and communication challenges.

Balanced thinking allows for both truths to exist at once—your partner’s flaws and their love for you can coexist.
— Julie Menanno

Other Posts You Might Like:

Julie Menanno MA, LMFT, LCPC

Julie Menanno, MA is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor, and Relationship Coach. Julie operates a clinical therapy practice in Bozeman, Montana, and leads a global relationship coaching practice with a team of trained coaches. She is an expert in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for Couples and specializes in attachment issues within relationships.

Julie is the author of the best-selling book Secure Love, published by Simon and Schuster in January 2024. She provides relationship insights to over 1.3 million Instagram followers and hosts The Secure Love Podcast, where she shares real-time couples coaching sessions to help listeners navigate relational challenges. Julie also hosts a bi-weekly discussion group on relationship and self-help topics. A sought-after public speaker and podcast guest, Julie is dedicated to helping individuals and couples foster secure, fulfilling relationships.

Julie lives in Bozeman, Montana, with her husband of 25 years, their six children, and their beloved dog. In her free time, she enjoys hiking, skiing, Pilates, reading psychology books, and studying Italian.

https://www.thesecurerelationship.com/
Previous
Previous

What Is Your Sense of Self?

Next
Next

3 Tips to Help Your Anxious Partner Feel More Secure