Splitting vs. Integrating: How to Shift from Extreme Thinking to Balanced Perspectives
What Is Splitting?
Splitting is a pattern of thinking in extremes—defining reality solely based on the present moment while disregarding past experiences or broader perspectives. It often involves seeing people, situations, or even yourself as entirely good or entirely bad, with no in-between.
Signs of Splitting:
Defining reality only by your present emotions, ignoring past interactions.
Viewing people, self, or events as either all good or all bad.
Frequently switching between extreme positive and negative perceptions.
Struggling to hold two opposing truths at once.
Example of Splitting:
"My partner is grumpy and snapped at me. They never treat me right, and I’m tired of putting up with this. I’m going to let them know what a bad partner they are!"
What Is Integrating?
Integrating is the ability to see the full picture—balancing both the positive and negative aspects of people, relationships, and experiences. It allows you to hold multiple truths at once and avoid extreme reactions based on momentary emotions.
Signs of Integrating:
Recognizing both positive and negative qualities in a person or situation.
Holding onto past experiences to inform a more balanced perspective.
Accepting that two conflicting truths can exist at the same time.
Practicing patience before reacting emotionally.
Example of Integrating:
"I don’t like that my partner snapped at me. At the same time, everyone has grumpy moments. Most of the time, my partner is kind and loving. I’ll wait until they are calm and then express how it affects me when they snap at me."
Resources for Strengthening Your Relationship
Secure Love by Julie Menanno for insights into emotional regulation and secure attachment.
Understanding Shame Workshop to explore how shame influences extreme thinking and emotional reactions.
Julie’s Group for live discussions on self-awareness, emotional resilience, and relationship skills.
Coaching Sessions for personalized guidance on managing emotional extremes and communication challenges.
“Balanced thinking allows for both truths to exist at once—your partner’s flaws and their love for you can coexist.”
Other Posts You Might Like:
In this first meeting of the Secure Love Book Club, Julie Menanno introduces the foundation of her book and dives into Chapter One, helping participants understand how negative cycles erode connection and how we can begin to heal by recognizing the deeper pain underneath conflict.