The Fight: What’s Really Happening and How to Do It Differently
The Fight: What's Really Happening and How to Do It Differently
What It’s NOT About…
Fights often seem to center around surface issues, but they rarely are about:
How we manage money
Being late
How to make the bed
What clothes to wear to the party
Going out with friends
How long it took to text back
The exact words said three years ago
The Deeper Meaning
Fights stem from unmet attachment needs in the moment.
Underlying questions and fears:
Do my needs matter to you?
Do you see me as valuable?
Do you appreciate me?
Are we even a team?
Can I have a say?
Will you be there when I need you?
Do you validate my experience?
Can I ever get it right?
Do you hear and respond to me?
How It Feels…
Small
Alone in the dark
Devastated
Utterly powerless
Sad
Hopeless
Pit in my stomach
Scared and insecure
Demoralized
Invisible
Tightness in my chest
Worthless
Abandoned
A failure in your eyes
So far away from you
How to Keep the Conversation From Becoming a Fight
1. Create Attachment Closeness and Emotional Safety by First Addressing Attachment Needs:
“To be able to talk about this comfortably, I need to know you appreciate my efforts.”
2. Avoid Using “Always” and “Never” as Global Blame:
These terms often escalate emotions and create defensiveness.
3. Say Your Wants/Needs and Reflect on Your Partner’s:
“So I want you to respond faster, and you don’t want to feel tied to your phone.”
4. Operate as a Team:
“How can we work together to find a solution?”
5. Focus on Problem-Solving Over Blaming:
“What needs to be done to improve the situation?”
6. Validate Your Partner’s Perspective:
“Ok, so we can’t agree on the exact words, but I can see that either way you feel some resentment about the situation…”
7. Avoid Getting Stuck in Details; Focus on Broader Themes:
“Instead of convincing each other of facts, let’s talk about what we’re really trying to say. I’m trying to say that a lot of the time I don’t feel heard. What are you trying to say?”
8. Use Empathy and Understanding:
“I understand why it bothers you when I’m late. I can see it leaves you feeling powerless and anxious. It’s something I’m going to work on.”
9. Assert Yourself When Needed:
“I have a different way of making the bed. Sometimes I’ll do things your way, but sometimes I need to do things my way to feel close.”
10. Use Touch to Maintain Physical Connection and Co-Regulation:
“Let’s hold hands while we talk about this.”
11. Use Attachment Language:
“This relationship and you are so important to me that I’m willing to address this hard topic.”
By First Creating Safety, the Conversation Doesn’t Have to Become “The Fight.”
“Fights aren’t about surface issues—they’re about unmet attachment needs. Focus on creating safety, closeness, and understanding to transform conflict into connection.”
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Learn how to transform relationship fights by addressing unmet attachment needs, creating emotional safety, and fostering connection instead of conflict.