Feeling Triggered In Your Relationship?
Triggered in Your Relationship?
Before over-reacting, try this approach:
Look Inward
Self-Regulate
Balance Your Perspective
Assess for Timing
Follow Through
1. Look Inward
When feeling triggered, start by reflecting inward:
What’s going on with me?
What meaning am I making of this situation?
Where in my body do I feel the trigger?
What feeling name can I give this trigger?
Understanding your inner experience is the first step toward calming the emotional intensity and responding effectively.
2. Self-Regulate
Ask yourself:
What does this feeling need to be helped, even just a little, before I respond?
Can I take a few deep breaths?
Can I listen to what the feeling is trying to tell me?
Can I intentionally feel the emotion move through my body?
How can I soothe myself in this moment?
By calming your nervous system first, you’ll be in a better position to approach the situation with clarity and care.
3. Balance Your Perspective
Consider both sides of the situation:
What might be going on with my partner that led to their behavior?
Is there another explanation besides “they don’t care” or “they’re trying to hurt me”?
What feeling might they be trying to manage by acting this way?
How can I hold space for both of our perspectives at the same time?
Shifting your focus to include your partner’s perspective helps reduce reactivity and fosters empathy.
4. Access Your “Ideal Self”
Reflect on your best self and how they would respond:
What would my ideal self do in this situation?
What’s blocking me from doing what my ideal self would do?
Am I afraid of rejection or that I won’t get a response?
Does doing the opposite of what my ideal self would do truly feel safer, or is it just a short-term relief?
What are the long-term benefits of acting in alignment with my ideal self?
By accessing your ideal self, you can respond in a way that aligns with your values and goals.
5. Assess for Timing
Timing is crucial when addressing triggers:
Is this the right time to address the issue?
Should I wait until we’re both more regulated, have privacy, or aren’t rushed or distracted?
Does it make more sense right now to act as the co-regulator or to seek co-regulation?
Effective timing ensures your response is productive and avoids escalating the situation further.
6. Follow Through
Finally, create a plan to respond intentionally:
What’s my plan for addressing the issue?
How can I respond thoughtfully instead of reacting impulsively?
Intentionality in your follow-through can help resolve the issue while maintaining emotional safety for both you and your partner.
Resources for Support
Podcast: The Secure Love Podcast
“Asking ‘should I end my relationship’ is not a failure but a step toward clarity about your emotional safety and well-being.”
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Learn how to transform relationship fights by addressing unmet attachment needs, creating emotional safety, and fostering connection instead of conflict.