Do You Really Want to Be Agreed With? Or Do You Just Want to Feel Valued and Understood?
Do You Really Want to Be Agreed With? Or Do You Just Want to Feel Valued and Understood?
When someone grows up in a home where thoughts and facts were more important than feelings, they often learn to get emotional needs met by arguing over facts.
Being agreed with becomes the goal. But what they’re really looking for is emotional validation and understanding.
Humans will fight hard for understanding. It’s wired into us—we want to feel like we matter.
What’s Really Happening During These Arguments?
People who are argumentative or seem like they need to be agreed with are often searching for more than agreement:
They’re fighting to feel:
Seen
Heard
Emotionally safe
But they don’t know how to communicate these needs directly. So they argue the facts.
Attachment and Emotional Validation
Insecurely attached partners are especially sensitive to feeling unseen or misunderstood.
Growing up, they may have received messages like:
“Your feelings don’t matter.”
“You’re too much.”
“You’re too emotional.”
They develop confirmation bias—subconsciously searching for evidence that they still don’t matter. And often, they pick partners who can’t really see them, because it feels familiar.
Most of the time, they also don’t know how to see and understand others—because they can’t give what they never received.
What “Out-Lawyering Each Other” Looks Like
Insecure couples often get stuck in factual battles.
One partner accuses the other of flirting at a party. They go back and forth:
“You were looking at them like…”
“No I wasn’t, that’s in your head.”
“That’s not what you said.”
“That’s exactly what I heard.”
“We were already gone.”
“No, we were still there.”
“That’s just how I talk to everyone.”
“You did the same thing and I didn’t accuse you!”
They argue the details. But what they really want is to feel understood.
What They’re Actually Trying to Say
Partner One:
“I’m scared you’ll want someone more than me. I’m afraid of abandonment. I want you to understand my fear and help me with it.”
Partner Two:
“To feel close to you, I need to know you can hear me and trust that my words are true. I want you to know I’m loyal, and I need to feel safe too.”
This is what’s underneath the facts: two people trying to be heard, understood, and emotionally reassured.
What’s the Solution?
There’s no one-size-fits-all answer. Maybe:
One partner has unresolved jealousy
One has a subconscious need for attention
Or something else entirely is going on
What matters most is:
The partners must understand what’s being activated emotionally.
Then, they can work as a team—using curiosity, empathy, and exploration instead of control and convincing.
Important Note:
This is not about ignoring facts or real problems.
It’s about realizing that emotional needs must be addressed first—because real solutions only happen when both partners feel emotionally safe and understood.
Support for Deeper Communication
Attachment 101 Course – Understand how attachment patterns contribute to communication breakdowns and emotional reactivity in relationships.
Relationship Coaching – Get one-on-one or couples support to move from arguing over facts to connecting emotionally and feeling heard.
Couple and Individual Group – A supportive space to explore emotional needs, share relational struggles, and practice better communication skills.
Understanding Shame Course – Shame is often underneath emotional defensiveness and the need to be agreed with. This course helps unpack and work through it.
Julie’s Picture Book with Quick Tips – A quick-reference guide for emotional connection, validation, and daily reminders to support healthy communication.
“Most couples aren’t fighting about facts—they’re fighting to feel like they matter.”
