What to Do Instead
What to Do Instead
Scenario:
Your partner tells you they’re concerned about your spending habits lately.
Common reactions:
Refusing to talk about it
Changing the subject
Turning the focus back on what your partner does wrong
Getting defensive
These reactions are understandable—but they often lead to disconnection and escalate the negative cycle. Here’s what to do instead:
1. Hear Them Out Without Interrupting
“I’m willing to hear whatever you have to say without interrupting. I need to know that you’ll do the same for me.”
This sets the tone for mutual respect and emotional safety. It’s not about agreeing on every point—it’s about making space to listen.
2. Set Boundaries Around How You Speak to Each Other
“This is a tense topic, so in order to hear each other we need to stay out of a negative cycle. How can we each do that?”
This frames the conversation as a shared effort, not a battle. Acknowledge the emotional charge and commit to staying grounded.
3. Validate Their Feelings
“I hear you; you feel protective of our future security, and it makes you anxious when that feels threatened. You want to know we’re a team. Am I getting it? If not, help me better understand.”
Validation doesn’t mean you’re agreeing—it means you’re recognizing their emotional reality. That’s what makes people feel safe.
4. Share Your Own Perspective
“I absolutely hear what you’re saying, and can agree we need to be on the same page. I do have some different ways of seeing it though. Here are my thoughts…”
Bring in your voice, calmly and clearly. Mutual understanding grows when both partners feel safe to express their perspective.
“Emotional safety starts with listening to understand—not listening to defend.”
