Common Question: How Can I Have Attachment Needs While Being Responsible for My Emotional Needs?
Understanding Emotional and Attachment Needs
As adults, we are generally responsible for meeting our own emotional needs. This includes finding ways to meet those needs through relaxation, nature, enjoyable activities, exercise, fulfilling work, and relationships. However, when we enter romantic relationships, attachment needs also come into play. These are the emotional needs required to feel safe and close to a partner.
Examples of Attachment Needs
To feel safe and connected in a romantic relationship, partners may need:
To feel appreciated
To feel valued
To know their needs matter
To feel validated and understood
To know they can "get it right" for their partner
To trust their partner will be there when needed
Communicating Attachment Needs
If partners want help in meeting attachment needs, they are responsible for:
Communicating Needs: Clearly expressing what they need to feel safe and connected.
Asking for Support: Politely requesting their partner’s help in meeting those needs.
Sharing the Impact: Explaining how getting (or not getting) those needs met affects them or the relationship.
Example:
“I need to feel emotionally validated to feel safe and close to you. Would you be willing to help me with this?”
This message does not demand that a partner meet the need; rather, it communicates the need, shares its impact, and asks for help with mutual respect.
When a Partner Can’t Meet Attachment Needs
In an ideal world, partners are both willing and able to meet each other’s attachment needs. However, when one or both partners lack the emotional tools or willingness to engage in this process, the relationship may face challenges.
Seeking Help: Attachment-based couples therapy or individual counseling can teach partners how to meet attachment needs effectively. My team of coaches are highly trained in attachment theory.
When Help Isn’t Possible: If a partner remains unwilling to learn or engage, individuals must decide how to move forward. Options include:
Staying in the relationship while finding other ways to meet emotional needs (e.g., friends, family, self-growth).
Choosing to leave the relationship.
In Summary
Adults are responsible for getting their emotional needs met through various methods, including relationships.
Attachment needs are specific to romantic relationships and are vital for closeness and security.
Partners should communicate, ask for support, and share the impact of attachment needs respectfully.
If a partner cannot or will not meet these needs, seeking help or making a personal decision about the relationship is essential.
“Attachment needs thrive on mutual respect, clear communication, and willingness—not control or demands.”
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