Blaming vs. Owning: Taking Responsibility in Relationships

Blaming Your Partner

Blaming often sounds like this:

• "My partner is awful, controlling, narcissistic, and nothing I ever do is good enough."

• "My partner doesn't care about my feelings or needs, is unavailable, and never listens to me."

• "If they don’t change, I won’t change."

While these statements express frustration and pain, they place all responsibility on your partner and leave little room for meaningful change. Blame keeps you stuck in negative cycles, unable to address deeper issues or create the space for growth.

Owning Your Role

Owning your role in the relationship might sound like this:

• "I feel really alone in this relationship, and it hurts."

• "I didn’t know how to choose a partner who knows how to be emotionally available and/or emotionally regulated."

Owning is about recognizing your part in the dynamic, even when the circumstances are difficult. It means taking responsibility for:

• Learning About Your Emotional Needs: Understand your needs and how to meet them.

• Communicating Clearly Without Blame: Express your feelings and needs in a way that invites connection rather than defensiveness.

• Asking for Support: Clearly request your partner’s help in meeting your needs.

• Setting Boundaries: Define what is and isn’t acceptable in the relationship.

• Breaking Negative Cycles: Work on your part of the dynamic to create a more positive environment.

• Seeking Support: Consider relationship or personal therapy to explore deeper issues.

• Finding Emotional Fulfillment Elsewhere: Build a supportive network of friends and family if your partner cannot meet all your emotional needs.

• Making Hard Decisions: If your partner is unwilling or unable to meet your emotional needs despite your efforts, consider whether staying in the relationship aligns with your well-being.

Owning your role is not about taking all the blame or excusing your partner's behavior. It's about shifting from a place of helplessness to one of empowerment. When you focus on what you can control—your actions, choices, and mindset—you create the possibility for change in yourself and your relationship.

Blaming vs. Owning: Why It Matters

Blame keeps you stuck in a reactive mindset where your happiness depends solely on your partner's actions. Owning your part fosters growth, both individually and as a couple, by:

• Encouraging healthier communication.

• Breaking negative cycles.

• Creating a safer emotional environment for both partners.

• Helping you make intentional, informed decisions about your relationship.

While you can’t change your partner, you can influence the relationship dynamic by modeling the behavior you want to see and creating an environment conducive to mutual growth.

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“Blame keeps you stuck, but owning your role gives you the power to create change and foster growth in your relationship.”

— Julie Menanno

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