Why Do Those with Anxious Attachment Do That?
Why Do Those with Anxious Attachment Do That?
Anxious attachment behaviors often stem from deep-seated fears of abandonment and a need for reassurance. These behaviors may feel like the only way to get needs met, but they can also create negative cycles in relationships.
Why Does It Feel Safe for Me to Blame?
"If I can just convince you of how you've got it all wrong, you'll realize I'm right and want to change. If you change, then everything will be okay, and I won't have to feel alone and out of control."
Growing up in a shaming environment can make blame feel like a familiar way to create change.
Blaming helps avoid feelings of vulnerability, giving a sense of control.
However, blame often backfires, making the partner feel attacked rather than motivated to connect.
Why Does It Feel Safe for Me to Protest?
"I’m trying so hard to be heard and responded to. If I can just get you to hear me, everything will be okay."
Anxiously attached individuals often didn’t know whether their emotional needs would be validated as children.
Protest behaviors (getting bigger, louder, or more persistent) come from a desperation to be acknowledged.
Unfortunately, these behaviors can overwhelm a partner and push them away rather than fostering connection.
Why Does It Feel Safe for Me to Demand?
"I struggle to trust that I’m lovable and won’t be abandoned. If I can get you to prove you love me, I’ll finally feel safe."
Demanding behaviors arise from a deep fear that love isn’t secure.
The anxious mind links a partner’s compliance with proof of love.
But since trust issues block the ability to truly feel secure, no amount of proof ever feels like enough.
Why Does It Feel Safe for Me to Raise the Bar?
"Once you meet my expectations, THEN I’ll feel secure. But when I don’t trust it, I have to create another test—raise the bar just a little higher."
Subconscious testing of a partner becomes an endless cycle.
Anxiously attached partners seek the ultimate reassurance but struggle to believe it when they receive it.
This dynamic can leave both partners feeling exhausted and discouraged.
Why Does It Feel Safe for Me to Use “Lots of Words”?
"I’ve spent my life feeling unheard, so I just keep repeating myself, hoping this time will be different."
If a person grows up feeling ignored, they may feel compelled to over-explain, repeat, or escalate in conversations.
A deep-seated fear of not being acknowledged drives excessive talking.
But rather than improving communication, this pattern can make it harder for a partner to respond constructively.
Why Does It Feel Safe for Me to Filter for the Negative?
"If I stay on high alert, I won’t get surprised or hurt. It’s never safe to fully relax."
Constantly scanning for signs of trouble is a learned self-protection mechanism.
The anxious mind anticipates abandonment or betrayal as a way to avoid pain.
However, focusing on the negative reinforces insecurity and prevents emotional rest.
Why Does It Feel Safe for Me to Criticize?
"If I can just get you to see what you're doing wrong, we’ll be okay."
Anxiously attached partners often grew up learning that control = safety.
Criticism may be an attempt to keep things on track, but it erodes connection.
Instead of fostering closeness, criticism often leaves partners feeling inadequate or defensive.
Why Does It Feel Safe for Me to Make Empty Break-Up Threats?
"If I threaten to leave, maybe you’ll finally understand how much I’m hurting."
When a partner isn’t responding in the way an anxious person needs, threats may feel like the only way to be heard.
Fear of abandonment can drive the very behaviors that make a partner distance themselves.
Over time, break-up threats lose their impact, leading to further feelings of rejection and disconnection.
The Downside of These Behaviors
While these behaviors may feel like the only way to get emotional needs met, they often have unintended consequences:
How These Behaviors Affect a Partner
Blaming and criticizing → Partner feels attacked and unheard.
Demanding and raising the bar → Partner feels exhausted and hopeless.
Protesting and getting louder → Partner feels overwhelmed and trapped.
Filtering for the negative → Partner feels unappreciated and discouraged.
Break-up threats → Partner may initially feel threatened but eventually stop taking them seriously, which worsens feelings of being unheard.
The Way Out
This post is dedicated to understanding anxious attachment behaviors within negative relationship cycles. However, these behaviors do not define an anxious partner, nor do they mean the relationship is doomed.
The journey toward secure attachment is possible. To learn more about healing, read:
How to Heal an Insecure Attachment
Other Relevant Resources
Secure Love by Julie Menanno – Understand attachment styles and how to build secure relationships.
The Secure Love Podcast – Listen to real-time couples coaching focused on attachment healing.
Coaching Sessions – Work with EFT-trained relationship coaches to break negative cycles.
Understanding Shame Workshop – Learn how shame impacts anxious attachment and how to heal.
Julie's Group – Join a bi-weekly discussion on relational patterns and attachment healing.
“Understanding anxious attachment behaviors is the first step toward healing. The way out is through self-awareness, communication, and emotional regulation.”
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