Common Experience of Avoidant Partners: Fear of Conflict
Avoidantly attached partners often struggle with emotional connection, both within themselves and in their relationships. Their fear of conflict and discomfort with emotions can make it difficult to engage deeply with a partner. This post explores how avoidant attachment shapes relationship experiences and what steps can be taken toward emotional connection.
Child Self vs. Adult Self: Disconnected from Feelings
Child Self:
"I don’t see my caregivers."
Adult Self:
"My brain developed around the idea that feelings are non-existent, useless, or weak. Being out of touch with my own feelings means I'm also out of touch with others' feelings."
How Disconnection from the Inner World Shows Up in the Relationship with Self
Difficulty naming feelings – If asked about emotions, may respond with thoughts instead.
Uses superiority as a defense – May subconsciously believe they are "above" emotions.
Doesn’t know any other way to be – Disconnection feels normal.
Seeks comfort indirectly – Finds relief in work, achievements, hobbies, substances, or addictions but may not recognize these as emotional coping mechanisms.
Avoids feeling weak – Places high value on self-sufficiency, seeing emotional dependence as a flaw.
How Disconnection from the Inner World Shows Up in the Relationship with a Partner
“I don’t know anything about my own emotions, so how am I supposed to understand yours?”
“You’re asking me to speak a language I never learned. It’s overwhelming, and I refuse to fail—so I’ll make YOU change instead.”
This can lead to:
Fixing the problem – Trying to solve emotional issues logically.
Shaming emotions – Making a partner feel bad for expressing feelings to make them stop.
Avoidance – Retreating when emotions feel overwhelming.
Anger at emotions – Frustration when a partner expresses distress.
Arguing against feelings – Trying to convince a partner they are "wrong" for feeling the way they do.
Appeasement – Saying whatever is needed to avoid conflict.
How Can You Learn to Find Your Inner World?
Recognize how your lack of emotional awareness impacts your life and relationships.
Seek guidance on recognizing emotions in your body (e.g., tight stomach, increased heart rate).
Be open to the idea that you have an emotional world that you’re not fully aware of.
Consider how a need for success or superiority might be a defense against underlying emptiness.
Practice meditation to become more in tune with your inner self.
What to Practice in Your Relationship
“I’m going to start being curious about my own inner world, which will help me be more curious about yours.”
“I’m willing to learn to speak a new language I never learned.”
“It might take me a while to figure out what to do with emotions, but I’m willing to be aware of when I try to push them away.”
“I want to learn how to connect to you—and myself—on a deeper level.”
“The first step toward emotional connection is recognizing that you have an inner world worth exploring.”
Other Posts You Might Like:
Learn how the D.E.A.R M.A.N. method can help you express yourself clearly, set boundaries, and resolve conflict while maintaining emotional connection in your relationship.