When Your Partner Isn’t Growing With You....
Working toward a healthier relationship is a journey filled with challenges, especially if you’re used to negative communication cycles or if trust has been eroded over time. While communication is essential, truly breaking through old patterns and building trust requires understanding the blocks that prevent progress. Here are some of the common blocks in relationship growth and how to navigate them.
1. You’re Still in the Negative Cycle
Sometimes, even when partners think they’re communicating in healthier ways, they may still be operating from a state of self-protection rather than genuine connection. Even the most well-intentioned words can feel like hidden blame, triggering the other partner to respond defensively, leading to another negative cycle.
In other cases, the receiving partner might be so used to negative patterns that even healthy communication feels like blame. Breaking free from this cycle takes self-reflection, consistency, open communication, and time. For deeply rooted cycles, professional help might be necessary.
2. Mistrust
In relationships with long-standing negative cycles, emotional safety can deteriorate, making it difficult for any type of communication to be received positively. For partners who grew up without healthy communication, even the healthiest interactions may feel inauthentic or strange.
Rebuilding trust happens through repeated experiences of healthy communication. Focus on “keeping your side of the street clean,” and, with consistency, things may begin to shift. Professional guidance can facilitate this process more quickly by helping both partners build trust and navigate sensitive interactions.
3. Lack of Ability to Self-Regulate
New communication skills require the ability to emotionally regulate and self-reflect, which can be challenging for those who have experienced trauma. Practicing self-regulation techniques, like breathing exercises, and seeking professional help, such as Somatic Experiencing therapy, can aid in this area. While self-regulation is a personal journey, healthy communication can also help each partner co-regulate, making it easier for both to respond constructively.
4. Controlling for Outcome
Healthy communication is not about trying to control how your partner will respond. Real growth involves committing to healthy communication regardless of the outcome. When you let go of the need to control, you allow genuine change to occur naturally. Trying to force an outcome often leads to frustration, as true change can’t be controlled—it can only be fostered by creating the right environment.
5. Shame
For those who grew up in shame-based environments, it can be hard to acknowledge their role in relationship issues. They might feel they should handle everything alone, which prevents them from seeking help or facing vulnerable parts of themselves. Therapists trained in shame work can guide individuals through this process safely, helping them heal from deeply ingrained feelings of inadequacy.
6. Not Enough Time
Expecting an immediate positive response to new communication is unrealistic. Relationships don’t heal overnight. Think of this time as “planting seeds.” Just as with any new habit, relationship growth requires patience and persistence. Don’t give up too soon—growth often involves trial and error, and lasting changes take time to fully develop.
7. Other Blocks
There are countless other potential blocks in relationships, and not all are easy to see. If you’re struggling to identify these blocks on your own, seeking professional help can be beneficial. Often, the partner initiating change may believe they’re doing everything they can and might assume, “If my partner would just respond correctly, everything would be fine.” Professional support can help both partners identify and work through blocks they may not recognize independently.
When to Consider Other Options
If you’ve put in the effort to work on your side of the relationship for a significant period, tried different approaches, and your partner is either unwilling or unable to grow with you, it might be time to reevaluate. At this point, you have three options:
Accept the relationship as it is and continue growing personally, contributing to a safer environment.
Stop working on yourself and accept the status quo.
Consider leaving the relationship if it no longer aligns with your well-being and values.
If you’re facing this decision, speaking with a therapist or trusted person in your life can provide valuable perspective.
Resources:
Self-Regulation: Trauma Healing; The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk
Negative Cycle Self-Help: Secure Love by Julie Menanno, Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson
Podcast: Listen to The Secure Love Podcast with Julie Menanno for insights on attachment and growth in relationships
Personalized Help: Find a relationship therapist or coach at The Secure Relationship
Wednesday Night Group with Julie: Join or access recordings at The Secure Relationship
“Real growth involves committing to healthy communication regardless of the outcome—creating an environment for genuine change to unfold naturally.”
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