Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) was created by Dr. Sue Johnson and is based on attachment theory which views human beings as innately relational, social and wired for intimate bonding with others. Attachment is a way to explain the stress we feel and the behaviors we use to manage those feelings in our closest relationships. When someone has not experienced consistent emotional security, they can tend towards an anxious or avoidant approach when a significant relationship is in distress.

When our nervous system perceives a threat it goes into protection mode and this can often look like protest or distance, which can begin a negative cycle make a couple feel stuck. The EFT model uses this attachment science to help make sense of the interactions, slow them down and shape new conversations that are not driven by reactiveness. EFT prioritizes emotion and emotional regulation in individual experience and relationship interactions by helping people make sense of the feelings inside, helping them communicate more clearly with their partner and get a nurturing response.

Whether working with actual partners in couples coaching, or imagined representations of relationships in individual coaching, EFT explores the nature of our connections and the emotions they generate. The goal is expansion of self in how you notice what you feel, what you think, and what you do, as well as how to clearly communicate vulnerabilities. Clients come to understand how their negative cycles are typically correlated to attachment-related fears. With the coach facilitating the EFT process, clients learn to openly discuss their fears and pain, identify attachment needs, and receive comfort and validation in those places.

An EFT coach will structure these new/different conversations in a way that allows you to experience more safety and success in vulnerability. EFT for couples can range from 10-40 sessions depending on the relationship. The change process of EFT has been mapped into nine steps across three stages that help guide the coach and track progress. The three stages of EFT are:

The first stage of EFT is focused on identifying the patterns of interaction that are causing distress and de-escalating that negative cycle. This stage typically takes 5-20 sessions. In the first few sessions the coach will gain a relationship history as well as individual attachment history from each partner. Then the coach will unravel the steps of the negative cycle so both partners can recognize it and what the triggers are. Couples learn how the things that they do to protect themself (and their relationship) effect and may even threaten their partner.

The goal is to reduce the intensity of negative emotions so couples can better communicate the hurts and fears behind their defenses in a more effective way. In Stage one we want to help shift the negative view of each other that the cycle continues to reiterate. When couples discover that this negative cycle is the source of unhappiness in the relationship, it is easier to realize that the partner is not the enemy. Once the negative cycle has started to slow down/happen less often and the couple can repair quicker, they move on to stage 2.

The second stage of EFT is focused on restructuring the relationship by each partner learning to share their emotions and show acceptance and compassion for each other at a deeper level. This stage typically takes about 5-15 sessions. With less friction and more compassion, there is safety to explore more deeply. Most people have doubts about themselves at times, or may have fears about depending on others. Some may struggle with personal fears or insecurities in their most important relationship, or may have had life experiences that make it difficult to trust others to be there.

With the help of a coach, partners take turns beginning to share these raw spots. As couples take this risk to be more vulnerable, their partner begins to truly see and understand where they are coming from, which creates empathy. In this stage the coach helps the couple develop new patterns that promote closeness by expressing their vulnerabilities, needs and desires in a way that is clear and understandable, and learning how to respond to each other with support and validation. The goal is to create a sense of security that allows partners to provide comfort for each other, creating a more secure relationship.

The third stage of EFT is focused on consolidating the gains made in the previous two stages and takes about 2-4 sessions. In this stage the coach reviews the progress made, identify where there are new solutions to old problems, and helps the couple develop a plan for maintaining their emotional connection long term.