What is "The Negative Cycle?"
The Negative Cycle is a negative feedback loop in which couples, especially those in an anxious/avoidant relationship get stuck.
The Negative Cycle does two things: one, it blocks the resolution of whatever topic/problem the couple is trying to discuss; and two, it blocks emotional connection and intimacy
For a couple to be healthy, they must have the communication skills to use team-work to stabilize their negative cycle, and keep it from destroying the relationship.
It Starts With Biology....
All romantic relationships have Attachment Needs. Early humans were biologically wired to stay connected to other humans in order to be safe. Modern humans are still wired to connect. Those who are driven to be in romantic relationships are biologically driven to feel emotionally uncomfortable when the relationship feels threatened, by either a real or perceived threat.
Because insecure-anxious and insecure-avoidant partners are insecure (due to past negative relationship experiences), they have trust issues and go into relationships with more sensitivity to threat. This is a survival strategy and keeps them in a hyper-vigilant, protective mode. But it also gets in the way of connection in those relationships which are mostly safe.
Next come Attachment Needs...
Think of emotional safety in our primary romantic relationship (the person on whom we rely most for emotional support) as a treasure box. Inside of the treasure box are our met "attachment needs." These are the "treasures" needed for partners to stay emotionally safe. When a treasure goes missing, we need to find it to feel secure again.
Attachment needs are universal to all humans. Again, think of biology. We first need them to be met by early caregivers (in a child appropriate way), and later by our romantic partner (in an adult appropriate way). Some attachment needs will matter more to anxious partners, and some will matter more to avoidant partners.
What are the Basic Human Attachment Needs?
Here Is a List of the Most Basic Human Attachment Needs:
To feel wanted and valued
To feel appreciated
To know your needs matter to your partner
To know you can trust your partner
To know your partner trusts you
To feel emotionally supported
To know you can get it right for your partner
To know your partner will be there when you need them
Next Comes the Vulnerability
When an attachment need has gone unmet, we feel very, very vulnerable. The vulnerable emotions most closely associated with unmet attachment needs are fear, grief, primary anger. They are meant to be painful. The pain has a purpose. It's our bodies way of communicating "something isn't right."
If you stepped on a nail, you would immediately feel pain in your foot. The purpose of the pain would be to communicate "take the nail out!"
Emotional pain also has a purpose. In an attachment context, the purpose of the pain is to get us back to attachment security with our loved ones.
Then Comes Behavior
Humans don't like to sit in painful feelings, especially when it comes to attachment. We will take action to do something to make the pain go away. We will take quick action to feel safe again: This is an attachment behavior.
How you behave with your partner in this moment will have to do with your attachment style. Anxious individuals will often protest, demand, criticize, blame, threaten to leave.......all desperate attempts to get their partner to hear them and understand their pain.
Avoidant individuals will often defend themselves, counter-attack, appease, shut down, distract themselves......all desperate attempts to escape the pain, pretend it's not there, and/or communicate to their partner "I'm not the bad guy."
These Behaviors Will Get Partners Stuck in a Negative Cycle
These "negative cycle" behaviors will take on a life of their own and start reinforcing each partner's attachment fears (in other words, their unmet attachment needs). As the cycle goes on, each partner will get more scared, feel more abandoned, feel more like a failure, more angry, more frustrated, more defeated, more powerless, more alone, etc etc etc.
Things will probably escalate for a bit, as the couple goes through rounds and rounds of the cycle. Eventually they will stop, and likely go off on their own to manage their hurt alone. Both will be hurt; avoidants might not look like it on the outside. There will be tension between them for hours, weeks, days, months...sometimes years when this happens over and over again.
How To Get Out of This Stuck Place?
Learn to communicate OUTSIDE of a negative cycle. This CAN be learned; A positive cycle can be learned.
Read through my Negative Cycle Highlight on Instagram for more info
Read through my tips for new communication ideas
Get professional help from one of our coaches because they are all trained to work with attachment and the negative cycle
Team up with your partner to view "the cycle as the enemy"
When it happens, say "this is our negative cycle, let's not let it destroy us right now."
Come up with a plan together to combat the cycle when it happens
Learn to communicate other feelings besides just your anger (anger is normal and healthy and ok to communicate, but when you're ONLY communicating anger, your partner isn't getting to see ALL OF YOU. This leaves no space for empathy.
The goal is to not prevent the negative cycle. The goal is for it to happen less often, to be less intense, and for you to have a faster repair.
Resources For Negative Cycle Focused Couples Work:
My book “Secure Love” by Julie Menanno provides detailed information on all attachment styles and how to heal insecure attachment in the context of your relationship
“Acknowledge when the Negative Cycle is happening, and remind each other that it’s the cycle—not your partner—that is causing harm.”
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