Resolve Conflict Using the D.E.A.R M.A.N. Method
The D.E.A.R M.A.N. method, developed by Marsha Linehan, PhD, as part of Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), is a structured approach to expressing wants and needs, managing conflict, and setting boundaries in a way that maintains the health of the relationship. This framework helps you communicate assertively yet respectfully, ensuring that both partners feel heard and valued.
D.E.A.R M.A.N. Breakdown
Each step of the D.E.A.R M.A.N. method contributes to clear, effective communication in relationships.
D – Describe
Start by stating the facts without assumptions, accusations, or unnecessary details. Avoid bringing up the past and focus on the main issue.
Example:
"We agreed to have a conversation about making a budget by the end of the week. I asked twice to set a time and didn’t get a response. Can you agree that’s what happened?"
E – Express
Communicate how the situation affects you using "I" statements rather than blaming or accusing.
Example:
"When we don’t have a budget, it’s difficult for me to know what to plan for, and it leaves me feeling insecure about our stability. It doesn’t work for me to feel this way."
A – Assert
Clearly state what you need without aggression or passive communication.
Example:
"What I need right now is a commitment to a time when we can sit down and do this."
R – Reinforce
Reinforce how addressing the concern will benefit both of you, fostering cooperation rather than resistance.
Example:
"If we can agree to a time to work through this, I think both of us are going to feel better about having a plan. It will also help me feel closer to you knowing my need matters to you."
M – Mindful
Stay focused on the issue at hand and avoid getting sidetracked. If the other person introduces unrelated grievances or reacts defensively, bring the conversation back to the topic.
Example:
(Partner: "You're being way too rigid about this. You need to relax.")
You: "If that’s the way you see it, I can respect that. At the same time, I’m not comfortable with the situation, and what I need to feel better is a set time to talk about it."
A – Act Confident
Confidence in communication helps reinforce your message. Maintain eye contact and trust your position, even if you feel nervous. Having a plan like D.E.A.R M.A.N. in place helps you stay grounded rather than reactive.
N – Negotiate
Allow space for collaboration and be open to compromising while also maintaining the integrity of your needs.
Example:
"I want us to work together on this, and I’m willing to work around whatever time works for you. I’m also committed to being open to your ideas about finances. What are your thoughts on this? What would you be comfortable doing to help with this situation?"
“Healthy conflict resolution isn’t about ‘winning’—it’s about understanding, expressing needs clearly, and working toward a solution that strengthens the relationship.”
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Learn how the D.E.A.R M.A.N. method can help you express yourself clearly, set boundaries, and resolve conflict while maintaining emotional connection in your relationship.