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Attachment wounds are events or series of events that severely damage trust in a relationship, leaving one or both partners unable to feel safe and close until healing takes place. The nature of attachment wounds varies between couples, depending on the meaning each partner attributes to the event and its impact on trust.
Common examples of attachment wounds include:
Affairs
Untreated substance abuse or addiction
Failure of a partner to show up during a critical moment
Chronic neglect of attachment needs
Abusive behavior
Serious lies or patterns of lying
Any event that deeply undermines trust and safety in the relationship
The severity of an attachment wound depends on how deeply it impacts trust. Some couples may repair these events before they become long-term wounds, while for others, the effects can be profound and long-lasting.
Healing attachment wounds requires intentionality, openness, and consistent effort. Below are the key components of the healing process:
Healing begins with a decision to be open to the process. This willingness must come from genuine commitment, free from external pressure, guilt, or force. When both partners foster an environment of trust and safety, healing can begin naturally.
Trust rebuilds through repeated experiences of positive behaviors. For example, in cases of addiction recovery, honesty and transparency become the "new" behaviors that pave the way for trust to grow.
Trust, rooted in a felt sense of safety, cannot be rushed. The nervous system is wired for survival, making mistrust a natural response to perceived threats. Healing unfolds at its own pace, dependent on readiness and the presence of trust-building conditions.
Effective communication is essential for repairing attachment wounds. Key elements include:
Accountability: The partner responsible for harm takes responsibility without excuses.
Expression of Pain: The wounded partner shares their experience from a vulnerable place (e.g., "I was deeply hurt" rather than accusatory language).
Validation: The partner responsible listens without defensiveness or counter-blaming.
No Pressure: Both partners avoid pressuring each other to “move on,” allowing healing to progress naturally.
Negative cycles of communication, such as defensiveness, blame, or withdrawal, erode trust and exacerbate wounds. Breaking these cycles reduces relational vulnerability and strengthens resilience, creating a safer foundation for healing.
Healing attachment wounds can be challenging, and the process may stall due to:
Both partners carrying unhealed wounds, leading to overwhelm.
Resistance or lack of openness to healing.
Ongoing harmful behaviors.
Discussions about the wound becoming stuck in negative cycles.
Personal unresolved issues hindering the process.
The severity of the breach making full restoration of trust difficult.
In such cases, professional support can help couples navigate the complexities of healing.
If this resonates with you, explore these resources to support the healing process:
Secure Love: Order now for actionable strategies to rebuild trust and repair attachment wounds.
Understanding Shame Workshop: Dive into the impact of shame on relationships and learn tools for healing. Join now.
The Secure Love Podcast: Listen now to follow real couples navigating attachment challenges and rebuilding trust.
Attachment 101 Course: Includes an Attachment Style Quiz to help you understand relational patterns and foster connection. Learn more.
Coaching Sessions: Work with a coach trained in Emotionally Focused Therapy to address attachment wounds and build a stronger foundation. Sign up now.
“Attachment wounds can be repaired when couples prioritize openness, consistent positive experiences, and healing communication.”
Emotional presence is the ability to join someone in their feelings without losing yourself in the process. When practiced consistently, it deepens connection and builds trust.
Julie Menanno, MA is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor, and Relationship Coach. Julie operates a clinical therapy practice in Bozeman, Montana, and leads a global relationship coaching practice with a team of trained coaches. She is an expert in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for Couples and specializes in attachment issues within relationships.
Julie is the author of the best-selling book Secure Love, published by Simon and Schuster in January 2024. She provides relationship insights to over 1.3 million Instagram followers and hosts The Secure Love Podcast, where she shares real-time couples coaching sessions to help listeners navigate relational challenges. Julie also hosts a bi-weekly discussion group on relationship and self-help topics. A sought-after public speaker and podcast guest, Julie is dedicated to helping individuals and couples foster secure, fulfilling relationships.
Julie lives in Bozeman, Montana, with her husband of 25 years, their six children, and their beloved dog. In her free time, she enjoys hiking, skiing, Pilates, reading psychology books, and studying Italian.
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