The Negative Cycle: Part Five – Examining the Next Trigger of the Avoidant Partner

The Negative Cycle: Part Five – Examining the Next Trigger of the Avoidant Partner

The cycle continues.

Triggering Event:
The anxious partner continues to pursue with protest, criticism, and emotional urgency.

The Meaning Made:

“I’m not being appreciated or treated with respect.”

Unmet Attachment Need:

“I can’t feel safe and close if my partner doesn’t appreciate me or see me as getting it right.”

Vulnerable Emotions:

  • Fear: If they see me as weak or wrong, how can they love me?

  • Sadness: I feel unloved and misunderstood.

  • Shame: I’m never enough. I’ll never get it right. I’m unworthy.

These emotions are often unspoken and unconscious—but deeply impactful.

Protective Emotions:

“These feelings are too painful. I need to escape before things get worse.”

This triggers a “flight” response:

  • Anxiousness

  • Frustration

  • Resignation

  • Emotional withdrawal

The avoidant partner begins to shut down to survive the emotional pressure.

Common Avoidant Behaviors:

“I have to get out of here to protect both of us from more conflict.”

So they:

  • Shut down

  • Change the subject

  • Leave the room

  • Distract themselves

  • Numb out or emotionally withdraw

  • Agree just to end the conflict (appease)

These moves create further disconnection, leaving the anxious partner feeling even more unheard—and restarting the cycle.

To the anxious partner, this looks like avoidance. To the avoidant partner, it feels like necessary protection from emotional pain and shame.

Support for Avoidant Shutdown and Emotional Reconnection

Avoidant partners aren’t leaving the conversation—they’re fleeing the shame that says they’ll never get it right.
— Julie Menanno

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Julie Menanno MA, LMFT, LCPC

Julie Menanno, MA is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor, and Relationship Coach. Julie operates a clinical therapy practice in Bozeman, Montana, and leads a global relationship coaching practice with a team of trained coaches. She is an expert in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for Couples and specializes in attachment issues within relationships.

Julie is the author of the best-selling book Secure Love, published by Simon and Schuster in January 2024. She provides relationship insights to over 1.3 million Instagram followers and hosts The Secure Love Podcast, where she shares real-time couples coaching sessions to help listeners navigate relational challenges. Julie also hosts a bi-weekly discussion group on relationship and self-help topics. A sought-after public speaker and podcast guest, Julie is dedicated to helping individuals and couples foster secure, fulfilling relationships.

Julie lives in Bozeman, Montana, with her husband of 25 years, their six children, and their beloved dog. In her free time, she enjoys hiking, skiing, Pilates, reading psychology books, and studying Italian.

https://www.thesecurerelationship.com/
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The Negative Cycle: Part Six – Putting It All Together

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The Negative Cycle: Part Four – Examining the Next Trigger of the Anxious Partner