How Do Attachment Wounds Get in the Way of Closeness?

How Do Attachment Wounds Get in the Way of Closeness?

Attachment wounds are significant breaches of trust within relationships. These wounds may result from one-time events, such as an affair, or from ongoing harmful behaviors, like chronic verbal abuse. Often, both partners carry attachment wounds that prevent them from connecting fully and thriving as a couple.

Attachment wounds can create the following challenges:

  1. Shame: Both the wounded partner and the partner responsible for the wound often experience deep shame. Shame sends the message to “hide,” which blocks emotional connection.

  2. Mistrust: Trust is essential for vulnerability, and attachment wounds damage this foundation. Without trust, partners struggle to open up, leaving their relationship stuck in defensive or distant patterns.

  3. Betrayal: Attachment wounds can leave one or both partners feeling profoundly betrayed. This betrayal often manifests in unresolved grief and anger. If the relationship cannot hold space for these emotions, partners may remain stuck in cycles of hurt and resentment.

Can Attachment Wounds Be Healed?

Yes, attachment wounds can be healed. Couples who engage in the healing process often emerge stronger and more deeply connected. The path to healing involves:

  • Healing Conversations: Repeated conversations that validate each partner’s experience, foster accountability, and allow for genuine emotional expression.

  • Behavioral Changes: It’s crucial to not only talk about the wounds but also implement new behaviors that rebuild trust over time.

With these ingredients—consistent emotional engagement and new behaviors—trust can be restored, healing can happen, and the need for these conversations will diminish as the relationship strengthens.

Explore More on Healing Attachment Wounds

For a deeper dive into this topic, check out Chapter 9 of my book, Secure Love by Julie Menanno, which offers practical tools for healing attachment wounds and rebuilding trust.

Attachment wounds can block vulnerability, but healing them leads to a stronger, more connected relationship.
— Julie Menanno

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Julie Menanno MA, LMFT, LCPC

Julie Menanno, MA is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor, and Relationship Coach. Julie operates a clinical therapy practice in Bozeman, Montana, and leads a global relationship coaching practice with a team of trained coaches. She is an expert in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for Couples and specializes in attachment issues within relationships.

Julie is the author of the best-selling book Secure Love, published by Simon and Schuster in January 2024. She provides relationship insights to over 1.3 million Instagram followers and hosts The Secure Love Podcast, where she shares real-time couples coaching sessions to help listeners navigate relational challenges. Julie also hosts a bi-weekly discussion group on relationship and self-help topics. A sought-after public speaker and podcast guest, Julie is dedicated to helping individuals and couples foster secure, fulfilling relationships.

Julie lives in Bozeman, Montana, with her husband of 25 years, their six children, and their beloved dog. In her free time, she enjoys hiking, skiing, Pilates, reading psychology books, and studying Italian.

https://www.thesecurerelationship.com/
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