Can You Have Both an Anxious and Avoidant Attachment Style?
Understanding Your Attachment Style
Attachment styles are often misunderstood, and it’s common for people to feel they exhibit both anxious and avoidant traits. However, in the context of your closest relationships, you likely lean more toward one attachment style.
This post explores why attachment styles might seem confusing and what factors can make it hard to determine yours.
1) You Notice You Have Different Attachment Styles with Different People
Your attachment style shows up most profoundly in your closest relationships, usually reflecting your most strained childhood relationship with a caregiver.
Why?
Relationships with high emotional investment (romantic partners, family) trigger attachment fears the most.
More casual relationships (co-workers, acquaintances) don’t activate attachment fears as strongly.
This means you might act more secure or avoidant in some relationships but anxious in others where deeper emotional needs are at play.
2) Your Attachment Style Is About More Than Just Behavior
Many people assume attachment style is determined by behavior alone, but thoughts, intentions, and fears also play a huge role.
Example:
Two people might both leave the room during an argument, but their internal experiences could be completely different:
Avoidant Attachment: Retreats to prevent escalation and protect the relationship. Deep down, they fear failure as a partner.
Anxious Attachment: Leaves as a protest behavior, hoping their partner will chase after them and prove they care.
This means two people can behave the same way externally while having completely different attachment fears underneath.
Biggest Clue to Your Attachment Style:
Anxious partners fear abandonment.
Avoidant partners fear being seen as a failure.
If you feel like you have both anxious and avoidant tendencies, you may need to look beyond behavior and examine your core attachment fears.
3) You May Have a Disorganized Attachment
Disorganized attachment is not a mix of anxious and avoidant—it is a completely separate experience marked by intense fear and inner chaos.
Signs of Disorganized Attachment:
Extreme or unpredictable behaviors (e.g., pushing a partner away, then desperately pulling them back).
Intense fear of both abandonment and closeness.
Deep-rooted trust issues and difficulty regulating emotions.
Disorganized attachment often stems from childhood trauma or inconsistent caregiving and is distinct from anxious or avoidant attachment.
4) You Lean Toward Secure Attachment
Secure attachment is the opposite of insecure attachment—it allows for flexibility in emotions, thoughts, and behaviors.
Signs You Lean Toward Secure Attachment:
You feel safe in relationships even during conflicts.
You can adapt to situations without extreme reactions.
You are open to feedback and can reflect on your actions.
If you don’t fully resonate with anxious or avoidant attachment but sometimes exhibit mild traits of both, you may simply be a more secure person with some insecure tendencies.
Final Thoughts: How to Determine Your True Attachment Style
If you’re unsure about your attachment style, here’s what to consider:
You likely have one core attachment style, but behaviors can vary based on context.
Focus on your biggest attachment fear—abandonment (anxious) or failure (avoidant).
If your experiences feel extreme and chaotic, disorganized attachment may be at play.
If you respond with flexibility and don’t feel overwhelmed by attachment fears, you may lean more secure.
Understanding your true attachment style can help you work toward more secure relationships and healthier emotional patterns.
Resources for Understanding and Healing Your Attachment Style
Attachment 101 Course – Understand attachment styles and how they shape your relationships.
Secure Love by Julie Menanno for a deep dive into attachment patterns and relationship dynamics.
Understanding Shame Workshop to learn how unprocessed shame impacts anger and emotional regulation.
Julie’s Group for live discussions on relationships, attachment, and self-awareness.
Coaching Sessions for personalized support in understanding your attachment patterns and building secure connections.
“How you show up in your romantic and closest relationships is what matters most when defining your attachment style.”
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