What is Earned Secure Attachment?
In the realm of relationships, the concept of Earned Secure Attachment plays a crucial role in our emotional well-being and interpersonal connections. But what does it mean, and how can it transform our relationships?
Understanding Earned Secure Attachment
Earned Secure Attachment refers to the development of a secure attachment style as an adult, often through meaningful relationships with secure individuals—such as partners, therapists, family members, or friends. Closeness is key here; being in a supportive, validating relationship can help you cultivate a secure attachment within yourself, even if you didn't experience it in childhood.
How Does This Work?
A secure person in your life responds with emotional validation and support, helping you feel heard and connected. Here’s what they do:
Provide Emotional Validation: They listen to your feelings and experiences without judgment, making you feel understood.
Maintain Healthy Boundaries: They respect your space and individuality while encouraging personal growth.
Be Authentic and Vulnerable: They share their own vulnerabilities, fostering an environment of trust and openness.
Avoid Control: They appreciate you for who you are and do not attempt to manipulate or control you.
Individuals with a secure attachment style excel at co-regulation, which is the process of managing emotions in response to another person’s emotional state. If you didn't receive enough co-regulation during childhood, having a secure person in your life now can help you learn to self-regulate. Generally, we begin to treat ourselves as closely as others treat us. While self-regulation can be learned independently, having a supportive person by your side makes the journey much easier.
What They Do NOT Do
Equally important is what secure individuals don’t do:
Reinforce Insecurity: They don’t feed into your insecure feelings or behaviors.
Require Protests for Validation: You won’t have to fight for your voice to be heard; they will listen without needing to escalate the situation.
Communicate Ambiguously: They express clearly when something in your communication isn’t working for them, preventing misunderstandings.
Criticize or Attack: They won’t demean you to provoke change; instead, they collaborate with you on solutions.
For these reasons, being with a secure person helps you feel SAFE. They provide an adult version of the secure relationships you may not have experienced in childhood. Through regular, meaningful interactions, you can develop your own secure attachment.
The Benefits of Earned Secure Attachment
As you become more secure, several positive changes may occur:
Lowered Defenses: You may find that your emotional defenses soften, allowing for more genuine interactions.
Reduced Shame: With increased security comes less self-blame and shame, leading to healthier self-reflection.
Enhanced Growth: With emotional energy freed up from defensive mechanisms, you can focus on self-improvement.
Your behaviors will evolve as you grow more secure, diminishing the need for insecure behaviors in healthy relationships.
What This Means for Your Relationship
It’s beneficial to be in a relationship with someone who is already a secure base for you. However, that’s not always the case. If both partners enter a relationship with insecurities that create negative cycles, the journey to security may require additional effort.
If you choose to work on your relationship, you can strive to become a secure base for both yourself and your partner. Accessing outside resources—such as books, videos, or therapy—can further support this growth. You can focus on your own emotional safety, which might encourage your partner to reflect and grow as well.
By engaging in inner attachment work—such as:
Understanding and managing vulnerable feelings (fear, grief, shame)
Approaching anger assertively instead of aggressively
Addressing past traumas impacting the relationship
Enhancing communication skills
Moving away from control patterns
Learning authentic emotional engagement
You can become the secure base your partner needs. Your self-growth can help them feel more secure and encourage their own self-reflection and development.
The Tricky Part
However, there is a caveat: your motivation for pursuing inner security and self-growth must not stem from a desire to change your partner. Why? Because seeking to change your partner through control comes from a place of fear, not security.
While it’s natural to want to influence your partner positively, attempting to control their behavior will keep you stuck and set you up for disappointment. Instead, focus on your growth for your own sake. When you prioritize your inner development, you naturally create an environment that encourages change in those around you.
Remember, you are not responsible for your partner’s growth, but you can encourage it. No matter how hard you work on yourself, some partners may not be ready to change. Nevertheless, your efforts can increase the odds of positive outcomes, bringing you greater peace and allowing your growth to extend into other relationships in your life.
“Your self-growth can help your partner feel more secure and encourage their own self-reflection and development.”
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