It's Okay to be Triggered. Being Triggered is a Normal Part of Life
It's what you DO when triggered which makes the difference between growing and staying stuck.
Instead of fighting the trigger, feel the discomfort. If you feel anger, sit with it until it turns to sadness and/or powerlessness. To find the discomfort in your body, think about your urge. If you have an urge to yell, ask yourself "what will it feel like if I don't yell?" That should help you feel the feeling in your body. The urge to yell is to make the bad feeling in your body go away, so if you don't yell that feeling will persist and you'll have the opportunity to process it. Maybe you need to release tension while you feel the discomfort, for example running, yelling into a pillow, or squeezing something. Reach for support. Anything is okay as long it's not destructive or a way to escape the bad feeling. The feeling needs to run it's course.
If you're sad or ashamed, let the feelings ride. You can't stop the wave, but you can learn how to ride it. Let it peak and fall. Reach for support from a loved one as you feel what you need to feel. When you reach a calmer state, think about what to do next. All of you have different challenges. All situations are different, and will call for different approaches. The only way to get good at this is to experiment and learn. Here are some ideas:
1. Instead of Shrinking, Get Assertive
Some of you grew up in environments where it wasn't safe to take up space with your own wants and needs.
Here are some common messages you may have received either explicitly (directly through words), or implicitly (through unspoken patterns and behaviors of parents, caretakers, teachers, etc):
You're too much if you have needs
Nobody is going to respond to you
Go away, we're distracted with our own stuff
You're going to be rejected if you express yourself, which will leave you feeling even worse
You're in physical or emotional danger if you assert yourself
We won't accept you or like you if you rock the boat
Your needs won't be met if you don't make us feel okay or tend to our needs first
You can keep your environment safe, by going with the flow, staying small, and pleasing others
If this is you, learn to be assertive. Start now. It's a process and it takes practice. There are many good books, and of course therapy can help. Most importantly, learn to tolerate feelings of rejection and anxiety when others aren't happy with you. It won't last forever, and it will make you feel strong to not be held captive to your fears. I personally spent too many years being held captive by my fears of rejection and I can tell you it feels much better to take risks and get stronger.
2. Pause or Leave the Situation
If a situation is escalating into behaviors which are not good for you or your partner, or anyone else you may be communicating with, and it's not working to redirect, you can leave the situation. Start with gentle and if that isn't working, move toward firmly assertive:
"Our relationship is too important to me for us to go down this road."
"What's happening isn't good for either of us. Let's take a break and come back to this when we are more settled."
"This feels really bad and I need to end this for now."
"I can't hear you when you're name-calling and/or raising your voice like that. It's time for a break."
"It's not okay to talk to me like this. I won't engage in this."
"Don't speak to me like that. It is NOT okay with me. I'm leaving the room and we can try again later."
3. Instead of Showing Only Anger, Show Vulnerability
Some of you get stuck showing only parts of yourself; often this is anger. If that's you, you may have experienced the following in your life:
Not being heard unless you got big
Having anger constantly directed at you
Having to fight for your needs to be met
You either had to fight or be walked over, and feel small and powerless
Frequently observing others fighting
Carrying deeply rooted anger due to many unresolved wounds, and acting out on it at the slightest provocation
Not knowing any other way
Staying in angry self-righteousness to help you avoid shame
If you can relate to these experiences, it might be time for you to learn to access different parts of yourself so that you can start to show up in new ways. It might be time to feel the vulnerability under your anger and start communicating it. This might help you be more heard, as well as feel like a whole person. Examples of vulnerable experiences include feeling powerless, sad, weak, alone, humiliated, afraid, shame.
4. Go for Peace Instead of a Battle
If you're used to fighting as your first strategy to handle conflict, it might be time to try to be the first one to reach for peace. This might look like:
Actively trying to diffuse the situation
Validating the other person's feelings and perspectives
Temporarily putting your own needs on hold, especially if you're used to doing the opposite
Accessing empathy before speaking
Remembering your own imperfections
Some people need to do the opposite and learn to be more assertive. This skill is for people who need to learn to balance their fight response with peace-making. This doesn't mean giving up your own needs. It just means putting them on hold for a bit while you create safety and protect the relationship.
Bookmark it for Later
Often it's a good idea to not address a situation immediately. You might need to time to process your thoughts and feelings. You might need space to ask yourself: what's really going on here? Is this situation about the present event, or is it being flavored by my past traumas or painful experiences? What's the best course of action to get not only my short-term needs met, but to also achieve my long-term goal of healthy relationships.
It's also a good idea to keep in mind that your partner or others might need time to process too. Not everything can be resolved right away. Often issues can only be resolved through repeated conversations with breaks in-between. Breaks allow for processing. Learn to tolerate your feelings of anxiety when a situation isn't resolved immediately. If you're resolving a situation because you're too anxious to hold it for awhile, you might end up making an impulsive decision that isn't sustainable, or good for you in the long-run.
Examine the Meaning You're Making of an Event
You CAN always trust your feelings, but you might not always being able to trust your perspectives or the meaning you're making of an event that led to the feeling. People can and do misunderstand the intentions of others, and sometimes our perspectives are based on inaccurate or incomplete information. Sometimes that's not the case and your perspectives are accurate. The point is that it's always a good idea to examine your perspectives and meaning making before impulsively acting on them.
You might also need to learn to strike a balance between questioning yourself, but not overthinking. Some people question themselves too much and need to learn to trust themselves more, not less. Some people need to learn to do both, depending on the person they're dealing with and the situation. Unfortunately, self-growth and learning to navigate relationships doesn't always have hard, fast rules. This is why the skill of discernment is so important. What do you think you think about yourself? Do you need to work on questioning your assumptions, trusting your perspectives, or both?
Don't Ignore It; But it's Also Okay to Let Things Go Sometimes
It's never a good idea to ignore triggering events, but not everything needs to be addressed with the person directly. Choose wisely what you bring up. Sometimes you can handle things on your own.
Sometimes it might be appropriate to say to yourself "It's not safe or worthwhile to address this problem with this person. Nothing good will come of it. Instead I might need to vent to a support system, or just allow myself to feel that I don't have control over this person's thoughts or actions." This might be someone you don't want to have in your life, or someone who you can't be close to and need to stick to "light and polite."
At other times, you might need to give the person the benefit of the doubt, remember you're not perfect either, and move on. If you have a tendency to filter for the negative (only see the negative at the expense of the positive), maybe you need to balance out whatever they did "wrong" with all the things they get "right."
Whatever you do, try to do it with intention. This is the "not ignoring it" part. Say to yourself "I am choosing to let this go because I believe that's the best course of action for now. Maybe in the future, I'll choose to address this in a different way, but for now I'm going to let it go and take care of myself by........"
Again, there is a delicate balance to be found. Be mindful that you're not crossing the line into letting it go out of fear of being assertive when bringing it up might be the best course of action for the situation. Again, try to act out of intention, not out of fear.
“It’s never a good idea to ignore triggering events, but not everything needs to be addressed with the person directly.”
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