Why Do Disorganized Partners Do That?
Why Do Disorganized Partners Do That?
Disorganized attachment stems from an unpredictable or unsafe childhood environment, leading to deeply ingrained survival strategies that can be confusing for both the individual and their partner. These behaviors are not intentional but rather coping mechanisms designed to navigate relationships while managing overwhelming emotions.
Why Is My Behavior Sometimes So Unpredictable?
"I had to learn many different strategies to survive, but now they sometimes conflict."
I grew up in an unpredictable environment where I had to adapt constantly.
My nervous system responds in ways that make sense for survival but can seem confusing to others (and even myself).
I experience overwhelming emotions all at once, making it hard to control my responses.
Why Do I Have a Tendency to Dysregulate or Dissociate?
"My brain learned to protect itself by shutting down or going into survival mode."
In childhood, I developed fight, flight, or dissociation strategies to cope with danger.
My brain struggles to distinguish between real threats and situations that feel threatening.
My nervous system reacts before I even have time to think.
Why Do I Pull You Closer, Then Push You Away?
"I crave connection, but I also fear it."
I want closeness, but I don’t trust that it will last or be safe.
The people who cared for me as a child were also sometimes emotionally unavailable or unsafe.
I push you away to protect myself from the pain of abandonment before it happens.
I experience extreme shifts in perception—one moment you're safe, the next you're a threat.
Why Am I Sometimes Combative but Other Times Afraid to Speak Up?
"Sometimes I fight, sometimes I freeze—it depends on what feels safer in the moment."
I have deeply buried feelings of shame and rage that come out unexpectedly.
I may project these feelings onto others, making them the "bad guy."
When I do speak up, I might be fighting against past wounds, not just the present moment.
Other times, I stay silent because I fear rejection or rocking the boat.
Why Can Therapy Feel So Painful for Me?
"Therapy brings out all my complicated emotions toward relationships."
I may idealize my therapist as someone who will "save" me.
If I get hurt (even in small ways), I might suddenly see my therapist as unsafe.
Therapy can bring up painful feelings from my past that I haven’t processed.
I might push my therapist away, just like I do in other relationships.
Why Do I Feel So Scared of People and the World Around Me?
"My brain developed around the idea that the world is unsupportive and unsafe."
As a child, I didn’t have the emotional support I needed to feel secure.
I learned that abandonment and rejection were inevitable.
I struggle to believe that people can truly be there for me.
Why Do I Struggle with Physical and Mental Health?
"My nervous system was on high alert for so long that my body is worn down."
My brain stayed in survival mode during childhood, flooding my body with stress chemicals.
This chronic stress has had long-term effects on my brain and body.
I may be more vulnerable to illnesses, especially those that run in my family.
The Downside of Disorganized Attachment
Survival strategies backfire – The very behaviors meant to protect me can push people away.
Emotional pain is overwhelming – My emotions are intense, making it hard to regulate myself.
Relationship patterns repeat – Even when I want something different, I find myself stuck in familiar cycles.
My nervous system is overworked – Chronic stress takes a toll on my body and mind.
Steps for Healing Disorganized Attachment
Find a coach or therapist trained in attachment issues – Someone who understands disorganized attachment can help me navigate my healing.
Surround myself with co-regulating relationships – I need connections that feel safe and supportive.
Seek trauma-informed therapy – Approaches like Somatic Experiencing or EMDR can help process past wounds.
Learn self-regulation techniques – Books like The DBT Workbook and The Body Keeps the Score can be helpful.
Practice grounding techniques – Asking myself, "Where are my feet?" can bring me back to the present.
Increase self-awareness – Noticing when I'm reacting to past trauma instead of the present moment.
Develop self-compassion – Reading Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff can help reframe my self-judgment.
Set realistic expectations for healing – It’s a lifelong journey, but small steps lead to meaningful change.
Other Relevant Resources
Secure Love by Julie Menanno – Understand attachment styles and how to build secure relationships.
The Secure Love Podcast – Listen to real-time couples coaching focused on attachment healing.
Coaching Sessions – Work with EFT-trained relationship coaches to break negative cycles.
Understanding Shame Workshop – Learn how shame impacts anxious attachment and how to heal.
Julie's Group – Join a bi-weekly discussion on relational patterns and attachment healing.
“Healing from disorganized attachment is possible—it takes patience, self-awareness, and safe relationships.”
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