Chapter 2 of Secure Love: Understanding Attachment Theory in Relationships
In this week’s book club session, I had the pleasure of guiding readers through Chapter 2 of Secure Love, where we begin to lay the groundwork for understanding how our emotional world is shaped—and how that impacts our relationships.
This chapter is all about attachment theory, the framework I use most often in my practice and the one that forms the heart of Emotionally Focused Therapy. While it’s not the only lens through which we can understand relationships, I’ve found it to be the most powerful for helping people make sense of themselves, their partners, and the dynamics between them.
Why Attachment Matters
Attachment theory helps us understand how early emotional experiences shape our nervous system and our ability to give and receive love. If our emotional needs weren’t adequately supported in childhood—not perfectly, just enough—we often struggle as adults to process painful emotions or connect vulnerably with others.
What I see over and over again is that couples don’t struggle because they’re broken. They struggle because they never learned how to emotionally support themselves or each other—and now they’re trying to do something that no one taught them.
The Four Attachment Styles
In this chapter, I walk through the four primary attachment styles:
Anxious Attachment – When emotional abandonment is part of your early story, you may feel overly responsible for keeping your partner close. Your nervous system reacts as if emotional disconnection is an emergency.
Avoidant Attachment – If you learned that emotions weren’t safe or welcome, you may shut down or withdraw, especially when things get vulnerable. Your strategy becomes “don’t feel, don’t need.”
Disorganized Attachment – You might swing between the anxious and avoidant strategies, often layered with trauma, fear, or dissociation. There’s typically a deeper mistrust of others.
Secure Attachment – The gold standard. You can feel your feelings, soothe yourself, and reach out for connection without panic. This can be developed in childhood—or earned later in life, which is likely the path you’re on now.
“There’s no expiration date on developing secure attachment.”
Small Moments, Big Impact
One of the most important messages in this chapter—and in our discussion—is that attachment needs are met or missed in small, everyday moments. When we feel seen, validated, or comforted—even briefly—it builds emotional safety. When those needs are missed, we feel hurt, even if we don’t know how to name it.
And that pain is real. It’s not “too sensitive” or “overreacting”—it’s your nervous system saying, this doesn’t feel safe.
Healthy Expectations vs. Unhealthy Pressure
We also spent time in the group talking about expectations in relationships. Yes, you have a healthy right to expect emotional support from your partner. But I encourage people to check in with the why behind the need:
Are you asking to feel seen, heard, and comforted?
Or are you hoping your partner will remove your anxiety entirely?
In our conversation, I shared the example of someone who regulates anxiety through perfectionistic standards of cleanliness, then expects their partner to meet that same standard—not because of shared values, but to manage anxiety. That’s not emotional support. That’s control.
The work is in learning what’s a healthy ask—and what’s rooted in fear.
How Each Style Responds to Pain
Here’s how I break it down in the book, and in our session:
Anxious partners move toward pain, often with urgency or protest.
Avoidant partners move away from pain, often with withdrawal or deflection.
Disorganized partners may do both—chaotically, inconsistently.
Secure partners stay with the emotion, regulate, and reach out vulnerably.
Our job is to move toward that last option—little by little. The goal isn’t to be perfect. It’s to become more emotionally available to ourselves, so we can show up better in connection with others.
Watch the Recording
If you missed this week’s live session, you can watch the full replay below. I cover all of Chapter 2, answer thoughtful questions from our attendees, and share practical tools to help you better understand your attachment patterns.
More Tools for Your Journey
If Chapter 2 resonated, here are a few resources I think you’ll find helpful:
Attachment 101 Course – Learn your style and what it means for your relationships.
Understanding Shame Workshop – Explore how shame blocks emotional closeness.
The Secure Love Podcast – Real couples, real healing, in real time.
Work with a Coach – My team is here to walk with you through this work.
Next week, we’ll move into Chapter 3, where we begin exploring the attachment styles in more depth. I hope to see you there!
Warmly,
Julie
““When both partners stop self-abandoning, they stop showing up in negative cycles—and they stop abandoning each other emotionally.””
Other Posts You Might Like:
In this week’s Secure Love Book Club, I guide you through Chapter 2, where we unpack the fundamentals of attachment theory and how it affects your ability to feel safe, seen, and connected in romantic relationships.