Anxious Attachment 101 Chapter One: How it Develops
How an Anxious Attachment Style Develops
Attachment styles are deeply influenced by how parents and caregivers respond to a child’s emotional and connection needs. Specifically, an anxious attachment style often forms when a child experiences inconsistent or unpredictable care, leaving them unsure about their emotional safety.
Key Factors in the Development of Attachment Styles
Attachment styles emerge based on:
How caregivers respond when a child seeks connection, attention, or affection.
How caregivers address a child’s emotional distress (e.g., fear, sadness, anger, anxiety).
What behaviors the child feels rewarded for—what they must do to feel accepted, worthy, or good enough.
Here’s how this manifests in different attachment styles:
Secure Attachment
"When I need comfort or connection, I can rely on someone to be there for me most of the time. My feelings matter, and I'm valuable even when I mess up."
Disorganized Attachment
"When I need comfort or connection, nobody is there. I get hurt by the ones I need the most. Reaching for connection isn’t safe."
Avoidant Attachment
"My emotional world has never been seen or responded to, so I’ve learned to stuff it out of awareness to protect myself from rejection and indifference."
Understanding the Anxious Attachment Style
Children are likely to develop an anxious attachment style when their caregivers:
Respond unpredictably to their emotional or connection needs: Sometimes they’re present and attuned, but other times they’re distant or unresponsive.
React to emotional distress with over- or under-reaction, shaming, rejection, or inconsistency.
Create an environment where the child feels they must protest, demand, or act out to get their needs met.
This inconsistency causes children to feel hyper-vigilant and unsure if their needs will be met. Over time, they develop behaviors designed to get attention, often through protest or heightened emotional responses.
The Role of Invalidation in Anxious Attachment
Repeated invalidation of thoughts and feelings contributes significantly to the formation of an anxious attachment style. Examples of invalidating messages include:
“You’re being dramatic; it’s all in your head.”
“You need to get over it.”
“You’re irrational.”
“You let the team down.”
When caregivers dismiss or criticize a child’s emotions, the child learns that their feelings are “wrong” or “too much.” This fuels the belief that they must fight for emotional validation.
Over-Protection and Anxious Attachment
Ironically, over-protectiveness can also contribute to the development of an anxious attachment style. Over-protected children may receive the message:
“You’re not competent; you can’t handle challenges or bad feelings on your own.”
“Others must keep you happy because you’re incapable of managing your emotions.”
While caregivers may mean well, this approach fosters anxiety by denying the child opportunities to build resilience and autonomy.
Examples of Over-Protectiveness
Distracting children from their feelings rather than helping them process emotions.
Centering family life entirely around the child’s needs and activities.
Avoiding saying “no” to avoid upsetting the child.
Such behaviors prevent the child from learning how to navigate the world confidently, leaving them overly reliant on others for emotional stability.
The Long-Term Impact of an Anxious Attachment Style
Children with anxious attachment spend much of their early years feeling alone with their painful emotions. They may develop patterns of:
Hyper-vigilance: Constantly scanning for signs of emotional availability or danger.
Emotional exhaustion: A child’s nervous system becomes overwhelmed by the constant need to seek validation.
Insecurity: Growing up feeling uncertain about their worthiness and ability to rely on others.
It’s important to note that caregivers don’t need to be perfectly attuned 100% of the time. Research suggests that emotional attunement about 30% of the time is sufficient for a child to develop a secure attachment, provided there are healthy repairs during periods of misattunement.
“Anxious attached children got what they needed enough of the time to know what it felt like and knew what to fight for, but they could never rely on it to consistently be there.”
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