Understanding Disorganized Attachment
Hi, I'm a partner with a disorganized attachment, and I'd like to share my perspective to help you understand me better. There are two broad categories of disorganized attachment, and mine, often called "oscillating," leans closer to the anxious spectrum. I’ll share a bit about the other type at the end of this post.
At the core, I'm driven by the fear of abandonment and a pervasive distrust of others, rooted in a fear that people are dangerous. This deep-seated mistrust makes it difficult to feel truly connected, even when I crave closeness.
How My Past Has Shaped Me
People with disorganized attachment often grew up in environments marked by some or all of the following experiences:
I had no way to make the pain of my unmet emotional needs go away. Unlike other insecurely attached children, I didn’t develop strategies to feel better; nothing seemed to work, leaving me in a state of pain and inner chaos.
My parents may have harmed me emotionally, physically, or even sexually, or failed to protect me from others who did.
Many of us with disorganized attachment have endured abuse, while others faced extreme neglect. Sometimes, our parents were so consumed with their own trauma or chaos that they couldn’t be emotionally present.
Often, my parents would react negatively to my attempts for comfort, through rejection, punishment, or by showing fear or indifference toward me.
My parents’ unresolved trauma meant they couldn’t consistently show up in a healthy way, even if they wanted to.
Growing up in these environments made it difficult to develop the internal resources for self-regulation. Instead, I was left in constant inner chaos, where my need for comfort was repeatedly met with fear and instability.
How These Experiences Show Up in My Relationship
These past experiences manifest in complex and conflicting behaviors in my relationships:
Craving Yet Fearing Connection: I may abandon my partner to avoid being abandoned myself.
Interpreting Conflict as Intimacy: Fighting and drama can feel like the only way to connect.
Trauma Responses: Freezing or running away can occur unexpectedly.
Inconsistent Emotional Responses: I may overreact to minor things and seem indifferent to major ones.
The Impact on My Partner
Disorganized attachment behaviors can be challenging for my partner:
Chaos in Relationships: If both partners have disorganized attachment, cycles of intense fights and makeups may dominate.
Walking on Eggshells: My partner may feel helpless or resentful, trying to avoid triggering me.
Exhaustion: My emotional shifts can leave my partner unsure of what to expect.
Love and Fear: Intense outbursts may create a confusing mix of love and fear for my partner.
How Can I Heal?
Healing disorganized attachment involves these key steps:
Building Trust
Trust is the foundation of healing. As I begin to trust others, I’ll feel less inclined to react with fight, flight, freeze, or fawn responses.
Seeking Help
Opening up to the idea of receiving help includes:
Rewriting self-beliefs and self-talk.
Healing from past trauma.
Organizing my inner experiences.
Practicing self-regulation.
Building healthy communication skills.
Connecting with Myself and Others
As I develop confidence, self-awareness, and empathy, I’ll experience deeper connections with myself and others.
Resources for Healing Disorganized Attachment
If this resonates with you, explore these resources to support your journey:
Secure Love: Order now to learn more about attachment styles and steps to healing.
Attachment 101 Course: Includes an Attachment Style Quiz to help identify patterns and move toward secure attachment. Learn more.
Coaching Sessions: Work with trained relationship coaches to navigate disorganized attachment. Sign up now.
Understanding Shame Workshop: Address the role of shame in attachment and learn tools to overcome it. Join now.
The Secure Love Podcast: Listen now for real-time insights into attachment healing and relational growth.
“Disorganized attachment may create chaos, but healing begins with trust, self-awareness, and connection to oneself and others.”
Other Posts You Might Like:
Discover why self regulation might feel out of reach, the barriers that hinder it, and actionable steps to build emotional resilience and connection.