Understanding Avoidant Attachment
Hello, I’m a partner with an avoidant attachment style, and I’d like to help you understand me a bit better. The first thing to know is that I’m deeply driven by a need to appear strong, competent, and acceptable. Sometimes, however, these needs overshadow my other human needs and affect my relationships in ways I may not even recognize.
People like me often grew up in environments with messages that became deeply ingrained:
Mistakes bring shame, rejection, or ridicule.
Reaching out for comfort sets me up for rejection or being labeled as "needy."
Showing vulnerable emotions like sadness or fear is seen as weakness.
Normal human flaws make me feel wholly unacceptable.
Needing help is something for "weak" people.
Other people’s emotions often feel overwhelming or uncomfortable.
Anger is either acceptable because it’s powerful or seen as shameful and “bad.”
Being strong and competent is the path to acceptance and love.
How These Messages Show Up in My Relationship
These patterns can appear in my relationship with my partner, often without me realizing it. Some examples include:
I may hide my mistakes or lie to cover them up.
I don’t know how to connect emotionally because I didn’t learn how. Reaching for comfort feels weak, and I fear rejection.
Talking about vulnerable feelings like sadness or fear brings on painful shame. I worry my partner might see me differently if I show these parts, so I even hide them from myself.
I can’t let my partner see my flaws, so I defend myself, even against legitimate complaints.
Here’s how this behavior may impact my relationship:
When I avoid sharing mistakes, it leaves my partner feeling hurt, confused, and alone.
My struggle to connect can make my partner feel abandoned and panicky.
If I hide my vulnerability or distance myself after showing it, my partner feels confused and shut out.
In avoiding relationship help, I inadvertently block the potential for growth, leaving my partner feeling demoralized.
How Can I Heal and Practice New Things?
I can start practicing changes that bring more openness and connection to my relationship:
I can learn to be more assertive about my needs and express my feelings to reduce the need to hide or cover up my behavior.
By naming and sharing my feelings, I can build deeper connections with my partner.
When I feel the urge to pull back after being vulnerable, I can talk about it with my partner, asking for reassurance that they still see me as strong and valuable.
If my partner asks for help, I can openly check my fears by saying, “Will you still view me as acceptable even if I say ‘no’?”
I can separate my worth from the need to have all the answers or hide my mistakes.
Continued steps for healing include:
Recognizing that anger is okay. I can work on being assertive, putting words to my anger, and expressing what’s truly bothering me.
Learning to describe deeper experiences that may accompany anger, like shame or fear, and sharing these with my partner.
Instead of assuming my partner sees me as a failure when I make mistakes, I can talk about my fears and gain understanding.
Making peace with my partner’s emotional discomfort and viewing it as normal can help me offer comfort without trying to “fix” it. I can see that simply being present and listening is often enough.
These behaviors and experiences are common among those with avoidant attachment, though not every avoidant partner will experience all of them. Avoidant partners are driven by a core fear of failure or being seen as a failure, while anxious and disorganized partners are often motivated by a core fear of abandonment.
For partners of those with avoidant attachment, there is much you can do to stop reinforcing avoidant behaviors. This doesn’t mean you can singlehandedly change your partner, but you can stop reinforcing avoidant patterns, which will contribute to healthier dynamics.
If you’re choosing to work on your relationship, understand each other, and work toward secure attachment, know that avoidant attachment can be healed.
“I can work toward expressing myself honestly, trusting that showing my needs doesn’t make me weak, and learning that connection begins with vulnerability.”
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