What Are The THREE Problems When You’re in a Fight With Your Partner?
Conflicts are an inevitable part of relationships, whether they involve big issues like money or parenting or small decisions like where to eat dinner. But while the surface problems are real, they are often just the tip of the iceberg. Beneath these disagreements lie deeper layers of unmet needs that must be addressed to resolve conflict effectively.
Let’s break down the three key problems couples face during conflicts and explore how to navigate them.
1. The Surface Problem
The surface problem is the immediate issue causing tension. These are real and practical concerns, like:
Financial stability
Parenting styles
In-law relationships
Even smaller decisions like dinner plans, especially if dietary needs or allergies are involved
When couples communicate well, surface problems can often be resolved through compromise and understanding. However, for couples struggling with poor communication or insecure attachment, surface issues are often stand-ins for deeper concerns.
Ask Yourself:
“Is this argument about what we’re fighting over, or is it reflecting something deeper?”
2. Unmet Attachment Needs in the Moment
Even in otherwise safe relationships, poor communication during conflicts can trigger unmet attachment needs. For instance:
Messages like “You’re overreacting” or “I don’t care about your perspective” can feel dismissive or uncaring, even if they’re unintended.
These unmet needs revolve around feeling seen, heard, and validated. Partners don’t need to agree on a solution but must communicate in ways that respect each other’s emotions. Validation, even in disagreement, protects the relationship and builds a stronger foundation for resolving surface problems.
Practical Tip:
During a conflict, pause and ask your partner:
“What are you feeling right now?”
“How can I help you feel heard while we work through this?”
3. Unmet Attachment Needs in the Overall Climate of the Relationship
For some couples, unmet attachment needs are more than just momentary—they reflect the overall climate of the relationship. Unresolved wounds, negative communication cycles, or significant breaches of trust (like affairs) can prime partners for conflict before a discussion even begins.
Anxious partners may approach with intensity, seeking reassurance.
Avoidant partners may withdraw, avoiding emotional engagement.
In either case, the conflict is unlikely to be resolved without addressing these deeper relational patterns. Sometimes, these wounds stem from childhood or past relationships, creating a lens through which current conflicts are interpreted.
Steps Toward Healing
Address Built-Up Wounds:
Openly discuss past issues and work to rebuild trust. This creates a healthier emotional climate.
Change Harmful Behaviors:
Commit to behaviors that foster safety, understanding, and trust moving forward.
If your relationship is relatively new or has minimal tension, minor communication missteps can often be repaired quickly. The earlier you address issues, the easier they are to resolve.
When Healthy Communication Isn’t Enough
Sometimes, even healthy communication doesn’t resolve conflicts about significant issues, such as:
Money
Parenting styles
Lifestyle preferences
At this point, the issue may be less about communication and more about core values and alignment. Ask yourself:
“Can I live with this difference, even if the relationship is fulfilling in other ways?”
Sometimes, love and mutual respect make compromises possible. Other times, misaligned values or goals may lead couples to reconsider their compatibility. Both outcomes are valid, as long as the process is respectful and clear.
“True resolution comes not just from solving surface problems but from addressing the unmet needs that fuel deeper conflicts.”
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