Anxious Attachment 101 Chapter Two: How It Shows Up in Adulthood
Attachment styles often reveal themselves most intensely in relationships where the emotional stakes are highest, such as romantic relationships, where attachment and emotional needs are more pronounced. While anxious attachment can manifest in life outside of romantic partnerships, it tends to be most visible in close, emotionally significant relationships.
It’s important to understand that attachment styles are primarily defined by how individuals handle stress in their closest relationships. However, behaviors related to anxious attachment may also show up in other areas of life, such as work, friendships, or family dynamics.
Outer-Focused Behaviors
Adults with anxious attachment are often outer-focused, meaning they try to control their environment to manage their anxiety rather than learning to self-regulate or co-regulate with others. This need for control may manifest in various ways:
Controlling other people's actions, feelings, or thoughts.
Controlling their environment through rigid schedules, people-pleasing, over-responsibility, or compulsive behaviors like excessive cleaning or caretaking.
While controlling some aspects of one’s environment is healthy, it becomes problematic when taken to extremes or when it starts pushing others away. The key is learning to control what is within one’s power and letting go of what is not.
Compulsive Caretaking
Compulsive caretaking is another way anxious attachment manifests in adulthood. This is when someone takes on caretaking roles to feel needed or valuable, often at the expense of their own self-care. Although it can stem from genuine empathy, it is also a form of control, as it seeks to manage one’s own experience of worthiness. The challenge is finding the balance between healthy caretaking and over-extending oneself in an attempt to control external circumstances.
Sensitivity to Rejection, Invalidations, and Criticism
Those with anxious attachment are particularly sensitive to rejection, invalidation, and criticism. This sensitivity is tied to their deep need to feel seen as worthy and valuable by others. When these needs aren’t met, they may feel anxious, leading to the controlling behaviors described earlier. This can happen not only in romantic relationships but also with family, friends, and co-workers.
The Spectrum of Anxious Attachment
Anxious attachment exists on a spectrum. At the extreme end, it may develop into disorganized attachment, where feelings are more intense, trust is harder to establish, and behaviors are more erratic. Individuals at the milder end of the spectrum may only experience these anxious behaviors under stress or in specific relationships, such as those with avoidant individuals.
The Path to Healing
Healing from anxious attachment involves stepping out of one’s comfort zone and trying new ways to manage anxiety—ways that don’t exacerbate the problem. In Chapter 4, we’ll explore strategies for healing, while Chapter 3 will focus on how anxious attachment specifically shows up in romantic relationships.
For more information, visit:
Find a therapist specializing in attachment at ICEEFT.com.
Explore Somatic Experiencing therapy for trauma and attachment issues at traumahealing.org.
Learn about Internal Family Systems therapy at ifs-institute.com.
“Compulsive caretaking sacrifices self-care and usually leads to resentment—making it a form of control, rather than support.”
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