Relationship Challenge from a Couples Therapist
Before heading to couples therapy—or even to prevent the need to go in the first place—try this approach. Couples who improve their emotional connection naturally argue less, and many of their issues begin to resolve on their own.
If you’re dealing with a surface problem, try this:
Let Go of Desired Outcomes (Temporarily): Set aside what you each want as a solution, just for now. Your goal for this discussion is emotional safety, not immediate resolution.
Focus on Emotional Connection: Approach the conversation with curiosity, empathy, and vulnerability. Take turns speaking and listening, reflecting back what your partner shares, and validating each other’s feelings. Make sure to genuinely listen.
Stay Out of Negative Cycles: If you’re unsure how to avoid these, first learn the basics. Then, come into the conversation with radical emotional support and acceptance, even if you don’t agree with each other’s perspectives.
Repeat this process five times, discussing the issue with a focus on emotional safety and support, while staying free of desired outcomes or attempts to convince each other. After having these five supportive conversations, revisit the topic with the goal of resolution. You might be surprised by what changes.
“After having five supportive conversations focused on emotional safety, revisit the topic with the goal of resolution—you might be surprised by what happens.”
Discover why self regulation might feel out of reach, the barriers that hinder it, and actionable steps to build emotional resilience and connection.