Anxious Attachment 101 Chapter Three: How Anxious Attachment Shows Up in Relationships
Those with anxious attachment often face challenges in relationships that stem from deep-seated fears and insecurities. Common struggles include being overly focused on external behaviors, fears of abandonment, people-pleasing, and difficulty trusting that "good things will last." These challenges prevent individuals from recognizing emotionally available partners and contribute to negative communication cycles in their relationships.
Being “Outer-Focused”
Anxiously attached individuals tend to focus on external factors, believing that if their partner’s behavior changes, everything will improve. This “outer-focused” approach bypasses the complexities of inner emotional experiences and offers a false promise of quick fixes. Often, anxious partners seek advice on how to change their partner, instead of looking within to understand their own role in maintaining unhealthy patterns.
This external focus also reinforces negative communication cycles, where blame and protest overshadow vulnerability, eroding emotional safety.
Abandonment Fears
At the heart of anxious attachment is the fear of abandonment—either physical or emotional. These fears are rooted in past experiences, often beginning in childhood. Anxious partners may worry that their partner will leave, or that their emotions are “too much” for their partner to handle. The deep pain of past abandonment drives intense reactions in the present, making even minor conflicts feel like emotional threats.
Communication Problems
The fear of abandonment often leads to communication that is reactive, defensive, or passive-aggressive. Anxious partners may escalate conflicts, hold onto grudges, or protest rigidly when they feel emotionally unsafe. These intense reactions stem from both past trauma and current relationship challenges, which can recreate the dynamics of their childhood experiences.
While anxious partners may know how to communicate their feelings in theory, their fear of rejection makes it difficult to do so in practice, especially when they expect to be met with resistance.
People-Pleasing
Anxious partners often work overtime to keep their partner happy, believing that if everyone is content, their needs will eventually be met. However, people-pleasing comes at the cost of vulnerable communication and healthy assertiveness. This behavior is another manifestation of being “outer-focused,” as it places emphasis on pleasing others rather than advocating for one’s own needs.
Difficulty Trusting
A history of negative relationship experiences leaves anxiously attached individuals with a lack of trust. This makes it difficult for them to believe that good things will last in their relationships. They often filter for the negative, focusing on potential problems to prevent bad outcomes. This chronic distrust keeps them in a state of worry about being abandoned, further reinforcing the belief that they are “too much” or “not enough” for their partner.
Difficulty Recognizing Emotionally Available Partners
Because they didn’t receive enough emotional support in childhood, anxious partners may struggle to recognize emotionally available partners. Their bodies may sense a lack of emotional connection, but they don’t know how to interpret or respond to these feelings. Instead, they overanalyze the problem and alternate between trying to change themselves or their partner. This lack of awareness, combined with their own emotional unavailability, perpetuates the cycle of confusion and frustration in relationships.
In Chapter 4: How To Heal From Anxious Attachment, we’ll explore strategies for healing and developing healthier attachment patterns.
For more information or professional help:
My book Secure Love by Julie Menanno provides detailed information on all attachment styles and how to heal insecure attachment in relationships.
Find an EFT therapist in your area at ICEEFT.com.
Explore somatic therapy resources at traumahealing.org.
“Anxious partners may know how to communicate their feelings in theory, but their fear of rejection makes it difficult to do so in practice.”
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