Context

Attachment theory was created to explain your relationship feelings, and the ways you go about managing them, in the context of your earliest relationships with caregivers, and how those patterns later show up in the context of your adult romantic relationships.

Attachment theory is meant to be applied to relationships in which the emotional stakes are the highest, and particularly during periods of relationship stress. While your attachment issues will impact other relationships, if you take attachment theory out of context into more casual relationships, adult family or friend relationships, you might get confused as these relationships don't always carry the same emotional expectations and attachment needs that romantic relationships carry. Even in your relationship with your partner, some areas of the relationship may have higher emotional stakes than others. Follow the energy to find attachment style. If you're an adult in a romantic relationship, ask yourself "how do I show up in THIS relationship, WHEN the stakes are high, MOST of the time?" If you're not in a relationship, think about a past one which had a moderate to high level of commitment and shared life.

Connection

Avoidant Attached partners connect through thoughts and actions, at the expense of their emotions. Talking about their feelings feels foreign, awkward and/or intrusive. They can only connect with what they can access (and are comfortable revealing), so deeper levels of intimacy is difficult for them to achieve.

Anxious Attached partners often have moments which could be connecting, but the connection gets blocked by hyper-vigilance to something which might go wrong. They often confuse enmeshment with connection.

Disorganized Attached partners often have limited ability to experience true connection, as it's hard for them to trust and feel safe. They might swing between enmeshment and complete disconnection.

Securely Attached partners connect with a balance of heart and head (reason and emotion). They can connect with vulnerability, positive emotions and painful emotions. When trust is established, they can show many parts of themselves. They have balanced needs for connection and for separation.

Comfort

Anxious Attached partners get overwhelmed with their own emotional distress. To feel better they will often try to control their environment at the expense of self-regulations skills. They often have a hard time knowing how to directly reach for comfort, and are in relationships with those who can't predictably provide comfort. Even when they do get emotional support, it can be hard for them to take it in because of their mistrust. They often get overwhelmed with their partner's distress and respond anxiously.

Avoidant Attached partners can't comfort what they don't understand, or even know exists. Because their emotional awareness is low, emotional comfort isn't on their radar. When it's expected of them and they don't know what to do to get it right, they experience a feeling of failure. This might cause them to get defensive, try to appease with reason and logic, or shut down.

Securely Attached partners feel confident reaching for comfort during emotional distress. They know what comfort feels like and seek people out in life who know how to do it. They know how to respond to their partner's distress using emotional support skills. They learned these skills during childhood or later as adults via therapy or self-help. When support isn't available they can self-regulate.

Disorganized Attached partners experience higher levels of emotional distress and have more difficulty managing their distress than the other attachment styles. Self-regulation is extremely difficult and they often have little access to comfort from others due to their poor communication of needs, because they often have others in their life that can't show up for them, and/or difficulty trusting comfort is real. They get stuck in a push/pull dynamic: "Comfort me! Go Away!"

Conflict

Avoidant Attached partners often avoid conflict in order to feel safe. Conflict is scary and/or overwhelming for them. Eventually they either let it all out (often when triggered by something small), or their partner has to be the one to bring up concerns. When confronted, they might first resort to appeasement, defensiveness, counter-blame (sometimes attack), arguing details and/or deflection. This behavior is not emotionally safe, drives negative cycles, and nothing gets worked out. Eventually they will most likely completely disengage, and the pattern of conflict will re-emerge later down the line. They haven't yet learned what else to do.

Anxious Attached partners bring up concerns liberally because it helps them feel safe to have everything resolved right then and there. It's often hard for them to let things go or hold them for later because their fears are so big and painful that they want relief. They often go in to conflict hot...with blame and you-statements. When this happens, and their partner gets defensive, they feel invalidated and escalate even more, both of which drive negative cycles. They don't like to end things until it's all resolved, which can lead to unsustainable solutions and continued conflict over the same problem.

Disorganized Attached partners have a very hard time with conflict, and can get dysregulated quickly. They will handle conflict with the same patterns of anxious and avoidant partners, particularly anxious partners. The difference is that there is less predictability, their emotions are often more intense than what is appropriate to the situation, and they will often engage in highly escalated and/or extreme behaviors.

Securely Attached partners manage conflict without resorting to blame, criticism, character attacks, appeasement, protests, defensiveness, counter-blame, deflection and shut down. They speak from self ("I'm bothered by this" instead of "you are irresponsible and don't care") By doing this, they stay out of negative cycles during conflict. Even when their partner isn't on their best behavior, they maintain their own conflict-resolution principles and dignity. They communicate their thoughts AND feelings. They don't get stuck in details and instead focus on bigger meanings. They know problem solving can't happen without first establishing emotional safety.